Oh My Broken Heart

This is hard.  This is really, really hard.  When I think of what these kids, my kids, have been through, are going through, it breaks my heart. 

I had another positive bonding experience with Diana today.  I have been wanting to do her hair for about two weeks now, her braids were coming out and it looked messy.  She didn't want me to.  I know why.  Her braids are the last thing Tia gave her before she came to us.  She likes me ok but I wasn't going to take out Tia's braids.  I stopped asking.  She was washing her hair and she wanted me to put the back into a pony tail for her every day but that was it.  Don't touch the braids.  This morning at breakfast, Patrice stopped by to talk to us and he commented on Yuli's hair, how pretty it is, did Mami do that, you're so beautiful... etc.  When we got back to the rooms, I was trying to get the girls ready to go to the park and I told Diana that she needed her hair done, mainly, the ponytail.  She said she wanted it done like Yuli's hair.  I was a little shocked at first but we went with it.  When I was finished, she asked me to carry her to the bathroom so she could look at it.  I carried her there and stood her on the toilet so she could see in the mirror.  She looked at it and got a big smile on her face.  I asked her, "¿Te gusta?"  She turned to me and hollered, "Sí!" and jumped into my arms and gave me a big hug.  It was good.

John is doing well.  He stopped vomiting and slept pretty well last night.  Thankfully, no signs that anyone else has it.  He was very, very angry at breakfast this morning when we didn't let him have his yogurt.  Whew-wee, we are going to have to find someplace that sells drinkable yogurt by the gallon when we get home.  He is also doing well with me.  I took him to the top of the big slide today and rode down with him.  It always helps to be a fun parent.  This evening when I was helping Yuli get her jammies on, he came and sat on the bed beside me and put his hand on my knee... a definite plus, but when I turned to talk to him, he did his usual look away and she'll go away thing.

And now, poor Yuli, she's breaking my heart.  In the beginning, we had some problems with her defying Ken but she would listen to me.  Now she doesn't listen to either of us.  Sometimes she is so very needy and clingy, I can't believe that she's 4 and not 1.  I remember reading about this in varying detail in almost every adoption book I read.  These kids didn't get what they needed at each stage in their development.  At times, they go back to a place where they are lacking and they behave like that age.  What we need to do is treat them as if they are that age.  Fill up the one year old, I need to be carried all the time and can't talk yet cup and eventually they will stop acting like they are one year old.  It's really a fascinating, and sad, phenomena.  She can go from being one year old, to being four years old, to being a two years old all in the span of an hour. 

It breaks my heart.  Her heart is broken.  She wants to be held all the time so she clings to me, but at the same time, I'm not the one she wants.  She is so very, very sad right now.  I think she's finally realized she's stuck with us.  Tonight she told me that she doesn't like her new family.  I told her that was ok.  I asked her if she likes going to the park, going to the mall, playing different games and all the other stuff we've been doing.  She said yes.  I asked her if she like doing these things with us.  She said no.  I told her that this is hard.  This is very hard and I know that it's hard for her.  I asked her if she wanted to look at the photo book that her foster mom sent.  She said no.  I told her about all the things we can do when we get to the US.  She said no, she wasn't going with us.  I told her that I'm very sorry she's so sad but that she is going with us.  She is part of our family now and we all love her.  When I told her that I love her, she cried.  She doesn't want my love.  She's getting it anyway.  It just breaks my heart that she will sit on my lap, let me hold her, let me hug her, wipe her tears and carry her all day, yet the whole time she is so very, very sad.  I don't know what else to do for her.