There's No Place Like Home

Well, if you couldn't tell by the silence on the blog.  We are home now.  When we were in Colombia in a hotel room, once we got the kids to bed, there was nothing we could do for fear of waking them.  Here, there's a lot to be done and I can only get it done while the kids are in bed.  Since I need to sleep as well, the blog has suffered.  I have been informed that my friends are going through withdrawal.  So here's your post.

Things are hard, but good.  I forgot what it was like to have a two year old.  He loves closing everything and pushing buttons.  He's sharp as a tack and has already learned how to turn off the lock out feature on the ice/water dispensers on the fridge.  Diana loves it here and is so very happy.  She loves her room, she loves having the top bunk, she loves the hand me down bike (thank you Marsha), and she loves, loves, loves playing with her brothers.  It makes me really happy to see how very happy she is.  She has had some moments where she acts like your typical 7 year old who didn't get her way but definitely not like those first few weeks.  Speaking of the first few weeks... back then I thought Yuli was going to be the fastest to adjust.  I was wrong.  In hindsight, I realize she wasn't cuddling with me, she was retreating inside herself, going almost catatonic... she just happened to be on my lap.  She's started that again but instead of me, she's on my mom's lap.  Now that I can see it on someone else, I wonder how I could have missed it before. 

She needs prayers.  She is not healing well.  I realize that this is just another transition for her.  I realize I need to give her more time.  I'm worried about her.  Please pray for her.  Please pray for me.  She's really testing us.  Ken went back to work today and so it's mostly testing me.  I start every day with a prayer.  I pray for all the kids' healing.  I pray for the strength and wisdom to be what they need.  Only by the grace of God (cause it ain't me), I am able to stay calm while she's doing what she's doing.. almost all day.  Almost.  At the end of the day when it's time to put the girls to bed, the absolute last thing I want to do is lay down with her.  I know, it sounds awful.  I feel awful when I say it.  I'm trying to be real here.  By the time it's time for her to go to sleep, I've already been done with her for about an hour and all I want to do is leave.  But I can't.  She's afraid of closed doors.  She's afraid of the dark.  She's afraid of cats.  She's afraid of being alone.  So, I lay down with her in her bed.  She needs to know that no matter what she does, how she behaves, how bad the day was--Mom is here, Mom loves her, Mom will never leave you alone when you need her.  She needs to know that.  It's hard.  At a time when I'm crawling out of my skin to get a break from her, I lay down.  My brain leaves my body and I just pray.  I pray for her healing, I pray for the strength and the wisdom to do another day, to give her what she needs, to help her realize that I won't give up on her-ever.  How much this all reminds me of my adopted relationship.  My Father in heaven, who adopted me, isn't always happy with the choices I make.  Sometimes I'm the one that needs to sit on my bed and think about what I've done.  He is always with me.  He loves me, no matter what I've done.  He has never left me when I needed Him.  He has never given up on me.  I understand now how frustrated and sad he must be over me sometimes.

We ventured into the WalMart today while Rylan was at gymnastics.  We needed several things in we just had to go.  You could say it was over stimulation, but it wasn't.  It was just her doing what she does and not liking the consequences.  She ended up throwing a full blown fit.  I was calm.  I was collected, I was firm.  I kept repeating, "When you are ready to listen to me, tell me and I'll let go."  She answers with a well placed kick or a ear piercing shriek.  When we were waiting to pay, an older gentleman from the next register over was watching.  He kind of smiled a little and leaned over to his wife and said, "She's really not happy."  He noticed that I was speaking Spanish to her and English to the other two and we started talking (loudly to be heard over the screaming).  I explained that we had just gotten home from adopting them and she was having a really difficult time with it.  He smiled and said he was very impressed with how I was handling it.  He said that most moms would be beating their kids senseless by now.  I smiled back and said, "There have been many times that I have been really grateful that the agency made us sign a paper saying we wouldn't spank the kids."  Then I got serious and said, "It's only by the grace of God that I have patience."  It's true.  My knee jerk reaction has always been to fight fire with fire.  I was always ready for a fight and met people head on.  Calm isn't me.  I truly believe that this is a peace that comes only from God.  He has given me what I need for this job he gave me.  It's not easy.  But I know that it's a job that needs doing and He will be with me along the way.  No matter how much I love her and how much my heart aches for her, He loves her more and He aches for her more.  Ken and I can do this, because we are not alone.

On a side note- I was really proud of Connor, Cody and Diana for stepping up in the WalMart.  They helped with the cart, with John, loaded everything onto the belt and then back into the cart.  I'm really proud of them.  It was really great.