Thursday, November 21, 2013

Good, Bad, and Very, Very Ugly

I was so thankful this morning that John slept in until 8:00.  I changed his pants, brought him downstairs to get him started on breakfast, and enjoyed the quiet morning that I'm not used to.  All they other kids were still sleeping.  The peace didn't last long.  Yuli was in a bad way when she woke up and was sitting on the bed by 9:00.  It only got worse from there.  She would not listen to a word I said and was looking for a fight at every turn.  By the time lunch rolled around, I was... done.  There's no other way to describe it.  I was just done.  She pushed my buttons one more time and it was up the stairs we went.  Thankfully, I had already fixed John's lunch and he was sitting in the high chair eating.  Also thankfully, I had already sliced the bread for the sandwiches for the other kids.  I left John in Connor's very capable hands (he's awesome) and the big kids fixed their own sandwiches while I dealt with her.

I hate this.  I hate every moment that I fight with her.  I remember another adoptive friend telling me to remember that we are not fighting with our children, we are fighting satan for our children.  It's very hard to remember that when it's their little defiant faces curled into a scowl right in front of you.  I admit... by this point, I was angry.  Very.  Angry.  I couldn't even stand to be in the room with her.  In the back of my mind, I know I can't leave her although that's very much what I wanted to do.  When she finally conceded to sit on her bed without restraint, I walk out into the hallway (where she can still see me) because I need that space.  I can deal with it if I can be in a separate 'room' than her.  I drop to my knees and pray because it's the only thing I can do right now.  This sucks.  It sucks that my baby girl is so messed up that she can bring out the worst in me.  It sucks that I allow it to happen.  It sucks that I love her so much but at times I can't even be in the same room.  I find myself praying the same thing over and over.  "God, you gave me this job, give me what I need to get it done."  By the time her 10 minutes were up (she starts with much less time but when she fights with me, time gets added), I had not an ounce of anger left, thank you God.  It was all sorrow.  I hate what's happened to her.  She's four years old.  She shouldn't have to deal with this.  She shouldn't feel this way.

I went and sat on her bed, every bit as sad as she was in that moment.  I told her that I love her.  She says, "No."  I told her that I love her.  I told her that I am her mommy.  I am your mommy forever.  Papi is your Papi forever.  We love you.   This is your family.  You have four brothers and one sister.  They all love you.  This is your house.  This is your room.  This is your bed.  I'm sad that you don't like it.  I'm sad that you don't like us.  I know that this isn't what you wanted but that doesn't change what it is.  This is your family.  This is your house.  I am your mommy.  For.Ever.  I don't like fighting with you. I like to cuddle and hug and play with you.  It's difficult to do those things when you're fighting with me.  It's ok to not like us but that if you will listen to me that things will go much better for you. 

Things were just as bad a few more times.  While John was sleeping she and Diana went outside to play.  When she came back in, she was ok.  This evening when we went to church, she allowed me to put her into her car seat and didn't fight me.  This is a HUGE step.  After I buckled up I thanked her for not fighting me.  I asked if she likes it better when we don't fight and she said yes.  When we got to church and I went to unbuckle her (she cannot do it herself, thank you again, God), she told me, "I didn't touch [the seatbelt], I didn't shout, I didn't fight."  I said, "Yes, I know.  Thank you.  This is much better."  The same thing happened when we left church.  When we got home, she was asleep.  I don't know, but I'm hopeful that maybe, just maybe, we may have turned a corner.

I did have two very good things with Diana today.  When I got on FB to post about bike helmets there was a KidSave post up.  Diana is always asking about the pictures on my computer and this was no different.  I told her about the KidSave program and hosting and kids from Colombia looking for their families.  She seemed really interested.  We talked about it for a while and then I told her that when she and Yuli are older, I'd like to have some of them come and stay with us and we can help them look for their new families.  She choked.  She looked horrified and asked, "Me?"  Oh no!  "No! No!  You are mine.  You are mine forever.  Other kids!  Other kids that need mami's and papi's."  She understood but in that instant I saw a very clear image of just how much she likes us and how much I messed up not making it clear that it was other kids that are looking for families.

Since Yuli was asleep when we got home I was able to climb into bed with Diana... it's the top bunk, I hope it holds.  We laid and the dark and talked for several minutes.  I told her how much I love her.  I told her that I'm very happy she's my daughter.  She said, "Yuli."  I said that I love Yuli and I'm happy Yuli is my daughter but that I'm very happy that she is my daughter.  She said, "No."  I said yes and she let it drop.  I have read about it, I know it happens.  But it still breaks my heart that it will take so long and take a million 'I love you's before she actually believes it.  I'm going to try and get that million in as fast as I can.

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