Monday, May 31, 2010

too many "What if..."s

Sometimes I have to stop and question my sanity. I guess that means I am sane because the crazy people never stop to ask themselves if they are crazy, right?

This adoption process seems to be a little like being pregnant for the very first time. You have all these questions, you know how it goes for most people but you also know that there are so many uncertainties. You know that even if you do everything right, something awful may still happen. Even with all these things racing through your head, you are still so stinkin excited that you can't stand it. You imagine what your children will look like, what their personalities are, how they will fit into and change your family. You can't wait to meet them. You actually ache for the day that you will hold them in your arms.

But still...

Can I handle this? What if I can't?

Is this really what God wants us to do? What if it's not?

Am I really going to be able to help them? What if I can't do enough?

Are we nuts for wanting so many kids? What if something happens to us?

That's the one that got me. The other day I made mention that I had gathered up a whole box of "Wiggles" and other children's videos that I'm going to put in the yard sale we are doing to raise money for the home study. A good friend of mine heard me and said, "But aren't you going to need them again if you are adopting?" I replied with, "I don't think they will be young enough to want to watch them." She questioned, "They? Are you adopting more than one?" She then proceeded to tell me about a conversation that she had had with an adoption professional. (She and her husband had considered adopting at one point.) Evidently, the person had given her something to think about. I can't remember the exact wording but it went something like this: You have to really consider how many children you want because if something were to happen to you, you wouldn't want them split up. There are very few people who are willing to take in and raise large sibling groups. She said that had stuck with her. They have two (now grown) beautiful daughters. She also went on to tell me that they did, in fact, witness this actually happen. They have friends who, in their mid-thirties, died in a tragic automobile accident. They left behind five children under the age of five. No one in the family was willing to take all five of them so one family took the twins while another family took the three. She said to me that it broke her heart. She didn't think that she could have done that and that if it were her, she'd have taken all of them or none of them. She was very sad that they had to be split up.


Well, DH and I have talked about what if something happened to both of us. We have a guardianship planned out. We have life insurance so that the money would not be an issue in taking care of them. We have a plan... so why did it affect me so much?

There are so many what ifs. There are so many things that *could* go wrong. There are so many awful possibilities. After much thought and prayer, I realized the 'what if's don't matter. Now, don't think I'm so naive as to think that we are immune from tragedy. That because we are doing something really good and following God's leading---we will somehow be protected from the horrors of this world. It's not that at all. It's that I KNOW we can make a difference in these kids lives. I KNOW that God will provide us with the strength, patience (that's a big one for me), empathy, love, money, and abilities that we need to help these kids. I KNOW that our lives will be blessed having known them. I KNOW that being with us will alter their futures. Those are the things I KNOW. So many things *might* happen tomorrow. Then again, they might not. I can prepare for the worst, but I can not waste time worrying about what might happen. There is just too much work to be done. So now, I must set about my Father's business.

Oh, and something funny about the conversation with my friend. It actually didn't occur to me until much later, when the panic was over. When I had put the worrying away, I got to thinking about that story she told, about the five kids. What she didn't know is that at our agency, there is a LONG list of kids who are waiting to be matched with a family. She didn't know that is why we picked this agency, to take a child that's been waiting. She didn't know that on that list is a set of five sisters. She didn't know that before I even found this agency, I found those girls. She didn't know that I have felt inexplicably drawn to these girls. She didn't know that after I initially saw their listing, it was edited to become two siblings groups. The girls had been split up (by the government of the country they are in) to become sibling group of two and a sibling group of three so that they might be adopted faster. She didn't know how my heart was broken for these girls when I saw that. How I thought, "Somebody needs to adopt them all together!"

She couldn't possibly have known that I've now been wondering:

"What if that somebody is us?"

No comments:

Post a Comment