Has it really been that long?

So, I'm kinda embarrassed to admit but I've had a lot of people in my life outside of bloggyland ask, "What's up with the adoption? I went to your blog, but there's nothing new there. Has anything happened lately?" And the answer would be... no. I'm ashamed to say that we are still in a sea of paperwork. I'd love to be moving faster. I'd love to have my kids by now. I could point to a lot of reasons why we aren't further along. There's some personality issues going on here... there's some differences in priorities here... whatever. The truth is they would all be excuses. We are just not getting through our paperwork nearly as quickly as I would like to be. That's it.

I'm hoping we can get our homestudy done before DH's next jaunt to the sandbox... I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever make it. We are almost done with the first volume of paperwork, what we need for the homestudy. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that he's not as "into it" as what I am. I have an amazing and supportive husband. Adoption is something we've always talked about and knew we were going to do... someday. I just got to someday faster. And while he's on board, I think he has some hesitations. He's not sure that NOW is the someday. So I think I've kinda been dragging my feet waiting for him to catch up to me. I want him to want this as badly as I do. Let me clarify: he wants to adopt, he wants more kiddos. It's just that I'm chomping at the bit ready to go and he's just... not. He's ready but he could also wait a little longer, too. So maybe that's it.

I also think a lot of it is this business about those girls, the siblings that I've mentioned in the past. They have been weighing very heavy on my heart, very heavy. I don't know, really, what to make of it all. When I very first saw them pop up on the list of waiting children (no pictures, mind you, just info), I immediately felt drawn to them. I'm not sure why. Could it be that the oldest two share birthdays with my oldest two (one is two weeks off, one is the exact. same. day.)? Could it be that I feel for large sibling groups as I know they are more difficult to place? Could it be that I've wanted a little girl for so very long that five seems like a great idea? I don't know. But there you have it, they broke my heart. It totally engulfed me and that's how the maybe-someday-is-now conversation got opened up. Then, reality set in. We could not take five. That would make eight kids, a family of ten. TEN! We'd need a bigger car, we couldn't even all fit in the one we have. And we have a Suburban, for cryin out loud! How would we pay for an occasional dinner out as a family? How do you do vacations? Tickets to movies? Miniature golf? So there you have it: despite the incomparable pull on my heart, I rationalized that God put them there as a catalyst to get us moving on our adoption. Just. a. catalyst. right? OK, so then we decide to go ahead and get started, we research agencies, talk to folks and decide on a local agency that has an extensive list of waiting kids because that's what we're interested in. Not perfect kids, kids who need homes now. Kids who have been waiting. And what to my wondering eyes would appear... we had unknowingly chosen the very agency that has those girls on their list. Well, then, what do you do with that? So I began praying... praying for guidance, praying for a sign, praying for an answer, praying for them to find a family. I prayed that God would help their family find them and then I would know that we weren't that family. And in June, they showed up as matched on our agency's website and disappeared shortly thereafter.

Probably well enough anyway, as our agency has fairly strict guidelines about birth order and no artificial twinning and such. I consoled myself with the fact that it must be God's will and that our agency probably wouldn't have let us have them anyway. It was very bittersweet. I was sad that they weren't ours but happy that they had found a family. Except they hadn't. They then showed up on another agency's list. They weren't matched, their file just got moved. So I continued to pray. I prayed that if they weren't meant to be ours, that they would find their family soon. I flat out told God, if these kids are ours, YOU have to tell my husband. So that's what I've been praying for quite some time. I have vowed not to bring them up because if he brings it up, then I'll know it's from God. [If you're wondering, he does not read my blog so the secret is safe here. :) ] So that's what I've been praying since July when they popped back up. Limbo stinks. They have not been adopted, DH hasn't brought them up. However, there have been a lot of little things coming together that confirm to me that they are ours. If you would add this to your own prayer list, I would truly appreciate it. God hears the prayers of his people.


Anyway, I picked up this CD by Troy Allen Albers called Above the Rain while we were at family camp in October and there's this great song on it. It's called "Secret Admirer." I'd like to share the lyrics with you. It's been stuck in my head for quite some time.

The sun is shining brightly and that's why they've come to play.

To take advantage of the park on a warm and sunny day.

And among the slides and the swings and the sand and the things the wind blows through her hair,

And she looks at him and smiles and thinks she's kinda glad he's there.

And her secret admirer is watching her again

As she's dancing with her children, they get dizzy as they spin.

He's watching her and wondering, "How could anyone give so much?"

He marvels at her strength and the gentleness of her touch.

And her children's laughter sings to him as they happily share her life.

And he falls head-over-heels in love, again, as he watches his sweet wife.

"Daddy, Daddy, come and we'll build castles in the sand."

She never thought she'd see the day he'd completely understand

That among the slides and the swings and the sand and the things you'll find true happiness.

And the joy that a happy family brings is something no one should miss.

And his secret admirer is watching him again

As he twirls around his children, they get dizzy as they spin.

She's watching him and wondering, "How could anyone give so much?"

She marvels at his strength, and the gentleness of his touch.

And their children's laughter sings to her as they happily live their lives.

And his secret admirer, is so glad to be his wife.

You see, when I first heard the song, it immediately spoke to my relationship with my DH. I love him so much. Like they always say, "If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing." I am his secret admirer. Even 10 years later, I'm still head over heels in love with him. I marvel at what a wonderful husband and father he is and how much he gives our family. I was a little bummed about the line, "she never thought she'd see the day he'd completely understand" about a happy family. I was bummed because that's not my husband. He's always been a family man and that has always been a priority for him.

But you know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and it's not even the whole song? It's just the same snippet over and over again? I had that going on today. It was that part about building castles in the sand and she never thought she'd see the day he'd understand about happiness. To be honest, I had reconciled a while ago that the lyrics are what they are b/c the songwriter wanted them that way. He didn't know us and he didn't write the song for us. So it was just playing over and over in my head. Also, I had been over to Linny's blog and seen that I had missed a day of prayer yesterday and wanted to post on the prayer list about my above heart thoughts. I was mulling over just what and how much to say. So I've got all that going on in my brain while this short part of the song is swirling. It was very difficult to think, I felt like Winnie the Pooh. I must have been dense to the message because the repeat of the song shrunk down to "the joy that a happy family brings is something no one should miss." Over and over again it played in my head until I stopped to listen to it. Then it hit me. The lyrics are the way they're supposed to be. Those girls are missing the joy that a happy family brings... they are missing it and right now, he has yet to "completely understand."

MBM-The Gift

So it's Monday. Here's another Memorial Box Monday post. I love doing this. I woke up this morning and thought Iwouldn't have anything to write about. Then God reminded me about the following story. I learned about Memorial Boxes over at Linny's blog. If you want to know more about a what exactly a Memorial Box is go check it out here.

Earlier this year, my husband and I made plans to attend our semi-local Christian Homeschool Conference together in the summer. I was very excited. He has always supported me in homeschooling and I am so very grateful for that. I know a lot of women out there who are homeschooling with their husband's 'OK' but no help and no moral support. I feel very blessed that I have such a supportive husband. Up until this year, we have had little ones, and he was happy to stay home and hold down the fort while I went to conferences, seminars, and spiritually encouraging events. But this year, we were going together. We were even signing up for "The Truth Pr*ject" the evening before the conference started. We were going to be in a hotel... alone... I mean together but without kids. For TWO NIGHTS! They were going to stay home with the grandparents. I was super duper really looking forward to this getaway. It's been almost nine years since our oldest was born and we just felt like it was finally ok to leave them for a short stint.

Anyway, we registered for the conference and booked the hotel room. All set. Then his trip to Afgh*nistan got moved up. Not only was he leaving much sooner than anticipated, he was going to miss the conference. Bummer. Big bummer. I have to say, I was still excited about going, and about attending the special seminar. As the time grew closer, I became more and more ambivalent about the whole thing. I packed my bags and drove away. Two hours in the car with nothing to think about except that he was supposed to be with me. It was a serious downer. I've gone by myself in the past and it never really bothered me. What bothered me this time was that I wasn't supposed to be going alone.

I was just so sad. So very sad. I got there and got checked into my hotel and over to the conference center to go to "The Truth Pr*ject" with about 3 minutes to spare. I hadn't had anything to eat so I bought a hot dog and inhaled it before going in the auditorium. It made me really ill. I sat and enjoyed the presentation immensely but every time they said something really awesome all I could think was, "I wish he was here to hear that for himself." It was way cool and I recommend it to anyone if you have the chance to go to the seminar or join a small group. However, as the presentation drew to a close, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and not really wanting to go sleep in that king size bed with the clean sheets all by myself.

The last thing the presenter did was the door prizes. I never win. Anyway, he said he had 12 copies of the new "Adv*ntures in Odyss*y" (if that's how you spell it) to give away. I've always wanted to try one of them for the boys but never really had the money at the right time. I just thought to myself, "It would really make my day if I won one of those." Then he announced that there were 12 couples who had preregistered whose last names begin with W, X, Y, and Z. Those at the end of the alphabet are most likely to get left out so he was giving them out to those couples. Wouldn't you know it, that was me.

And sure enough, it made my day. I still really missed my husband the whole weekend but I felt a good bit better, and not once again did I feel like I was all by myself. Sometimes, I think that even though you don't really actually pray officially, God hears your thoughts. There were about 800 people in that room with me and although none of them had any idea what I was feeling, God did. He cared enough to send me that little gift. More amazing than the gift of the CD's, was the gift of knowing that I wasn't alone, I was able to enjoy the rest of the conference without dwelling on the miles between myself and my husband.

MBM--The Actual Memorial Box

I'm so excited! This story actually took place last week. I've been looking for a memorial box for quite some time now. I've been checking out thrift stores and discount home places like Marshalls and, oh, what's the name of that Tuesday's place? Well, anyway, last Thursday (ten days ago) I found myself out and about with only one kid. That never happens... and he just happens to be the mini-me and is always up for shopping so we go into Marshalls, cause I really need a new pair of tennis shoes, my old ones are killing me.

Anyway, while we're there, I decide to go check in the home goods section to see if there's a photo box that I could use for a memorial box. Well, I didn't like any of the photo boxes there, but right next to that were these boxes for stuff. I'm not really sure what one would do with them if you weren't needing a memorial box. They were so cute... they looked like the old, old fashioned rectangular leather suitcases that have the buckles around them. It was brown, and rugged and aged looking. It really fits our not so fancy kind of style. I took one look at them and thought, "That would be a perfect memorial box!" I picked it up and it opens into a largish space plenty of room for memories. I was so excited! That is, until I turned it over. It was $19.99. Now, I realize that's not painfully expensive, but I was hoping for more like $5 or $6. Bummer. To buy or not to buy. I was really struggling. I'd been looking for soooo long and I liked this one FAR better than ANYTHING else I had seen. What to do... what to do? I had a really hard time deciding. I really, REALLY wanted it. Anyway, after much thought, and carrying it around in my shopping cart while we perused the kitchen gadgets, I. put. it. back. I really don't think $20 would have broken us, it's just that we are trying to scrimp and save every spare penny that we have to put towards this adoption. I couldn't see spending the money on a box. Even if it is a memorial box for Monday. I would just find one cheaper somewhere else. So we went home with a new pair of tennis shoes for me (about $100 cheaper than the ones I had tried on in the mall and liked) and some new socks for my DS2. I don't know how it is that his socks get threadbare so fast... it doesn't happen to the other two.

So, by the time we got home, I was sad about the box but feeling like I had made the right decision. We were going about our evening, dinner and such and I went down the hall to get something from the school room. Well the hall is where we've been stacking all the donations for our yard sale (adoption fundraiser). There was a bunch more there that I hadn't seen yet because DH picked it all up from two ladies at church that had been cleaning out for us. He had gotten it the previous day and unloaded it that morning and I had not been by there at all that day. Wouldn't you know it, right in the front of the pile of yard sale donations is this:











Isn't it cute. And I have to say, it's a much better size and shape than the one in the store. How amazing is that?!? To think that God had that box planned for me. To know that it was in. my. house. before I even left that day. To see to it that it was the exact same style as the one I fell in love with at the store and a better size and shape. To have these sweet ladies at church who care soooo much about us and about the kids that aren't even legally ours yet to donate to our yard sale. The timing was perfect. It makes me smile just thinking about it. And how awful would I have felt if I had caved and spent that $20 and came home to see it? Now, here's the thing. I got this huge guilt thing going on because it was meant to be for the yard sale, to raise money to get our kids home. Mom said, "Throw $5 in the yard sale pot and keep it." I tell you, I had a really hard time deciding to keep or sell it. I felt really guilty cause I wanted to keep it for myself and not sell it. So here's what it comes down to: I can sell it in the yard sale for $5 and go buy the one at the store (which I don't like nearly as much as this one now) for $20, OR I can keep this one as a reminder of how much God loves me to orchestrate this whole thing and provide this beautiful box for me... not sitting on my literal doorstep, but in my house waiting for me to discover it.

Now, we have all had a touch of a cold that we didn't want to share so we missed services yesterday. I had really wanted to tell the ladies what had happened but I didn't get the chance. I didn't want them to come over for game night and see the box and wonder why something they donated for bringing our kids home was not sold... maybe I'll just send them the link and let them read the whole story.

Oh, and the yard sale? We've raised almost $600 so far! A huge thanks goes out to all who've donated! We still are selling stuff on ebay and Craig's List. I'm so happy at how well this is going!

MBM-The Check is in the Mail

I realize it's not Monday. But I've been meaning to tell this story for quite some time and somehow, Monday always gets away from me. I guess that He really wants me to tell this one because Linny suggested putting it off until Wednesday since we were all preparing to fast.

So, DH and I have been the typical American couple. We got a little too comfortable with the plastic in the pocket. I remember when we first got married, it was just a way to get free gas or airline miles. We paid them off every month. Then something big came up and we needed to deal with it now... who knows what it was... we'll just pay a little over time and as long as we keep up with our regular expenses, it's ok, right? Then we had a baby and he just needed all this stuff. One bad choice led to another and we were in bad, bad shape. We had to put stuff on the cards because we needed all our real money to pay the mortgage and the credit card bills. Interest piles up and it was getting really scarry. I'm really embarrassed to tell ya'll this, but I'm hoping that it will help someone out there who reads it. Anyway, it seems like every time we talked about it, one of us was really stressed while the other one talked them down. The next time we talked, the roles were reversed. What we needed was for both of us to be stressed at the same time. It never happened. But what did happen? I heard about Fin*ncial Pe*ce University. As it turns out, there was a class starting that Thursday as the church literally down the street from us. We could walk there in about five minutes.

We made a hurried decision and got into the class on time. This was May of 2009. I was really distraught over our situation and even more distraught when we actually started putting numbers on paper. We prayed and worked that budget over every which way trying to get things figured. We had a plan, and we cut them little buggers up. We haven't turned back. We've had some very sketchy moments but I believe we must be on the right track. Somehow, the money is there when we need it. Not somehow, God puts it there. I remember one time at the very beginning of the year (2010) it got really tight. Really. Tight. The mortgage was coming up, my truck needed tires badly, and we had a very sick cat (that we love dearly) that needed to go to the vet. We had no idea where the money was going to come from. There were no more paydays coming up in time.

[Now, to flash back, we had made (a poor) decision to purchase life insurance as in investment vehicle. Well, when D*ve R*msey talked about it, we realized that was not so good and made the decision, despite the penalties, we'd cancel and get back what money we could. Well, I sent in the paperwork to cancel and we'd received a letter saying that we had 30 days to cancel the cancel and after the 30 days passed, then they would do the paperwork to cancel the policy. I remember thinking, yeah, right. I'm going to have to hound you people to get my money. I was really not looking forward to it. ]

I remember standing in the shower praying with all my heart (it's one of the few places I have peace). It was Wednesday. I was sobbing. I was so afraid of missing the mortgage payment, I was so afraid that my poor cat would die before we could get him to the vet, I was so afraid that I'd blow a tire and wreck with my kids in the car. It really was not a good moment. I remember very clearly saying to God, "Lord, I know the 30 days has just passed. I know that I'm probably going to have to fight them to get the money back. But, God, we need that money. We are trying so hard to get rid of this mess we've gotten ourselves into. We will not use the credit cards again so we're relying on you to make this work out. Please, please, please have them send us that check now. We need it by Friday." Can you believe that, I actually gave God a deadline. I was really, really scared. I remember just giving up. I knew that there was nothing I could do. I gave up. I put it out to God and I let it go. I can't say that I was feeling good when I stepped out of that shower. I did feel a little less stressed. This was no longer my problem. The consequences we would have to face and it could be bad but I just had to let go. It was out of my hands. I went about my day... school with the boys, lunch, chores. I went down to the mailbox... what do you suppose was in the mail that very same day? Yup, the check. :) I did a happy dance right there in the street. It was enough to pay the mortgage payment, get new tires, get the cat to the vet AND pay off one of the credit cards.

That day I knew... I KNEW we were going to be ok. Sure it was going to take a lot of work, a lot of scrimping and fenangling, but we'd be ok. We didn't get into that mess overnight and we sure weren't going to get out of it overnight, but we will get out of it. Cause if the Lord be for me, who can be against me?

I'm so very thankful for that check. I'm so very thankful for Dave's class. I'm just sooooo happy that now, while not totally debt free, are in a place where we can do more for others, give more to God, and bring home some kids that want nothing more than a home and someone to love them.

Fast and Pray Tomorrow

Yes, I said fast...




There's this whole community of adoptive parents blogging out there that I had no idea about when we started this process of adoption. It's really quite amazing to have been drawn in and become a part of it. One of the blogs that I frequent A Place Called Simplicity is written by an amazing woman, Linny. I love that she is so very open with her life and has allowed so many of us to be inspired by her and her family. Anyway, if you haven't already, you should go check it out for yourself.

Linny has asked us in that blogging community to link arms spiritually tomorrow, Sept. 8th. I will be joining them. We will be coming together (in our own homes--but wouldn't it be great if we all could come physically together too?) to fast and pray for the orphans. There are many who have linked to her post with specific prayer requests and I am adding our adoption prayer requests to that list. Some have financial needs, some have paperwork problems, some have been in country trying to get courts settled and come home with their kids for entirely too long. Some have prayer requests for a particular orphanage that is in a bad way and some just ask for prayers for the orphans in a certain country that is having difficulties with the process. Satan has a way of attacking those that are following God's will and changing lives for His glory. Please join us tomorrow. Check out her blog for the specific requests.

Here are mine:
1. There is a sibling group of five (yes, five!) that I have felt inexplicably drawn to. I don't know if they are meant to be ours or if I'm just meant to pray for them, but please pray that God shows them a family. I have been praying for them since last winter. They are very heavy on my heart.
2. Pray for DH's peace with this adoption. He is all for adoption but as the provider for our household, he has some concerns. You see, in the past, we have made some very poor decisions financially and we are still paying for them. We are working with gazelle intensity (I'm sure some of you know what that means :) ) and God has truly, truly blessed our change of hearts and commitment to right this situation. Like I said, we are still working on it and DH wants to make sure that we have all our ducks in a row before he has more mouths to feed. Pray for him to have a peace over our adoption and that he will know that God is so much bigger than our problems. Let me reiterate, he is in favor of the adoption, I think it's just hard on him... as the head of the household.
3. Please pray for our financial situation. We are doing really well so far and the Lord has provided every time we need something but as we are just now working on the home study, we have a long road ahead of us. We are fundraising, having a yard sale, and selling everything that isn't stapled down. Please pray that God continues to provide for us and that Satan does not send my truck to the shop anymore. (been there three times in the last week.)

I truly hope that you would go and check out Linny's blog and pray for the others who are requesting it. Please join us in the fast tomorrow. I'm doing it, and tomorrow is our 10th wedding anniversary. Isn't it funny how that worked out. When you get married, you look down the road and think about your 10th. It seems so far away, and you think it will be an amazing day--in the way that's all about you. Here I am, the time has flown by and I KNOW it will be an amazing day--but not at all about me.

Kids and Weeds

I've always heard the phrase, "My (your, his, her) kids are growing like weeds." I never really thought about it too much other than the usual, "Yeah, it seems they grow up so fast." Well, they do. They really grow up fast and you don't have nearly the time with them that you thought you might have.

Anyway, I have been thinking about that phrase a lot in the past week. You see, with DH overseas since mid-May, and all three boys participated on swim team this year in addition to all our usual stuff, well, the weeds have kinda taken over. I knew that I would not have time to tend to a vegetable garden like we usually do, so we just didn't plant one. There are weeds there. Like a jungle of weeds. Taller than me. It's the same in the flower beds that surround 1/2 the house. Weeds choking out all my beautiful plants and bushes. And, I'm ashamed to say, weeds choking out the playground equipment. We have one of those nice cedar playgrounds (we went all out expecting to have lots of kids ourselves and lots of kid's friends playing on it). We put it in when we moved in four years ago and put down freshly chipped mulch. Well, in four years, the mulch has composted beautifully into this dark rich soil with tons of nutrients for growing... weeds. To be fair, I did pull weeds for two hours one day in June so the boys could play out there. However, they came right back. And I didn't pull them... and they grew... and they spread.

So a week ago last Saturday, DH, my 3 sons and I go out to pull weeds. The boys all did really, REALLY, well with weed pulling. They took swing breaks starting when we finally had the swings free but they only ever stopped for 5 or 10 minutes at a time. DH and I worked almost non-stop. It was rough. It took almost 5 hours. When we were finished, we could hardly stand upright having been bent over for so long. Anyway, to give you an idea... we let the weed piles set out for several days to dry up some before we bagged them. On Thursday (still sore from pulling weeds, mind you) the boys and I went outside to bag them. Six HUGE garden and lawn trash bags later... we had all the weeds from the flower beds. We didn't even touch the weed piles from the playground yet. And might I say, I had anticipated the hard work and the being tired afterwards. I even anticipated being sore. But I had no idea just how sore I was going to be. The back of my left leg was in constant aching pain for almost a full week. It hurt every time I moved and whenever I was sitting still... even laying down. It affected every part of every activity, of every day. I couldn't believe how sore I was (DH was too). I mean, serious pain. I was more surprised than anything about how badly I hurt.

So I've been thinking about that phrase, "kids growing like weeds." I've often heard it said, "Put a lot of time in with them when they are younger and it will go a little easier when they are older." Like weeds. Pull a few little ones here and there when they spring up and you won't have to kill yourself to get it weeded later. Work with your kids consistently, correct what needs correcting and strengthen their good traits. I realize this was a long post for such a short point. But it rings true. One more point: I got to thinking about this analogy and what really hit home for me is how much I hurt, and for how long... How much do families hurt when they try to clean up the mess of an undisciplined son or daughter? And I don't mean spanking... I mean discipleship. Raising and training. How long does the pain of a broken family last? How does it affect every aspect of their days? These thoughts have been swirling around all week. I'm just glad I learned this lesson with weeds and not with my kids.

MBM-A Night at the Airport

So, I've been wanting to start doing a Memorial Box Monday post for quite some time. A bloggy friend of mine over at A Place Called Simplicity does them every Monday. The idea is based on the memorial that the Israelites set up after they crossed the Jordan River into the promised land. Something visual, something tangible to help me remember all the wonderful times that God has provided for me, protected me, and shown me the way in my life. I have to actually find/make a box to keep all the little reminders in. But for now, I think I'm going to put them on top of our movie shelf so they'll be where I can see them. If you want to read more about MBM please go to Linny's page. She came up with it and she explains it so much better than I could.

Anyway, on with the story...

Way back when DH and I were newlyweds (we are coming up on our 10th very, very soon), back before the events of airport extremists... you could still walk all the way out to the gates when someone was leaving on a flight. I hated when he had to go away for work, I still do. So we decided that I would take him to the airport and park, go with him to check in and we'd have something for dinner out by his gate while we waited for his plane to take off. As luck would have it, there was parking in the lot immediately in front of the airport and I didn't have to park in a garage or long term parking. We went in and had a leisurely dinner at the gate and enjoyed the last few minutes that we would have together for a week. He got on his plane and left. Of course, I had to watch the plane taxi out and wait until the plane that I thought was his (cause you really can't keep track of the planes at this airport) take off. I then proceeded to make my way through the airport to go back to my lonely home.

Now, you should know, I was raised in a safe small town by an overprotective paranoid mother who loved us dearly. She was always on the lookout for the boogey man. I however have chosen to not be paranoid, but also not to throw caution to the wind. When I leave to go to the parking lot, I have my keys in my hands before I exit the building, I'm aware of my surroundings, when I get in my car I lock the door first thing of all, I pay attention to whoever might be around me when I'm at the ATM. Cautious, aware, alert, not stupid, but also not paranoid. I don't expect something bad to happen, but I want to try and prevent it if I have the opportunity and be prepare in case I cannot prevent it.

I remember when I was in Junior High, my mom took me to this self-defense seminar. It was a one day thing done by a former police woman. It was very interesting and I wish I could remember more of it... if I had been a little older, maybe I would have. Anyway, she when through the different types of perps, how to recognize them, and how to increase your odds of survival with each one. I remember the petty thief, you best odds are to give him all you got and let him run. You will survive in most cases. There were a lot more in between but then the worst case scenario is the psychopath. Chances are, you aren't getting away alive and you gotta fight from the very beginning. In all cases, do NOT ever allow anyone to take you to another location. Your odds of survival decrease significantly if you have a secondary crime scene, not to mention how bad it will be before you die. You can say, "Kill me here or leave me alone, but I ain't going with you." Another thing that really stuck with me was prevention. If you think someone is following you, turn around and look them in the eye. Convince them that you are confident and not an easy target. Talk to them in a confident voice and chances are, they will not see you as the easy, weak victim that they are looking for. Anyway, I guess I remembered more than I thought. I'd still like to know the other types of predators that I can't remember now and how to deal with them.

So there's your self defense lesson for the day, now back to the airport...

As I was getting ready to exit the building, I got my keys out to have ready. I didn't want to be digging through my purse to find them and not paying attention to my surroundings as I walked out alone. I paused as I crossed the taxi lane and then across the the lot where my car was. It was now about 10:00 at night and I realized that I had never been there before in the dark. I also remember thinking to myself, "It's really dark in this lot. They really ought to do something about that." Then I thought, "There could be someone hiding in between any of these parked cars, jump out at someone as they pass by and drag them back into the darkness before they could make a peep." Now, mind you, I never had thoughts like that. I have always been cautious, but never really expected anything to happen. As that thought crossed my mind, I decided to walk straight down the middle of the driving area rather than close to one side or the other. You know, give me time to see it coming. It's weird but I was so hyper aware and super vigilant.

Sure enough, just as I passed a van, a man came out from the dark space beside it. He was to my left and I knew I had a good ways to go before I got to my car. I continued walking for a few paces. I sensed he was following me. If that was the case, he was up to no good b/c the airport was in the other direction. I somehow got up the courage to turn around and look. There he was. I looked him dead in the eyes. I couldn't talk so I just tried to look confident and continue on. I was closing the gap between me and my car and how I wished for keyless entry. I was trying to figure out what to do when I got there. As I reached the driver's door, I was shocked to see that he had really closed the distance between us and was now at my trunk. (My car was a Honda Civic so he was REALLY close.) I knew, KNEW, that I didn't have time to get the door unlocked, get in, and lock the door behind me. This was it, it was now or never. I drudged up the deepest, loudest, most confident voice I could muster and said, "Is there something I can help you with?" It actually sounded almost irritated as it came out. As in, "You're in my space, dude. Either tell me how to help you or get out of my face." It was interesting. In a split second, I watched him go from being aggressive to being defensive. Evidently, that was not what he was expecting and it threw him off enough to make him reconsider his plans. I was not going down easy and now he knew it. He went all weird like he didn't know what to do and said, "Umm... no. I mean... I... uh... no... no..." Then he just turned and walked away. I watched to make sure that he kept going and as soon as he was far enough, I got in my car, locked the door and pulled out of the lot like nobody's business. Obviously, I was very shaken as I approached the toll booth, but then I got really angry. I turned the car around and went back looking for him. I wanted to know where he was so I could tell the toll booth person to go get him. I was soooo mad.

In hindsight, I cannot believe the details that went into keeping me safe that night. My paranoid mother, the self-defense class, the safe-keeping habits that I already had, the eerie (and most unusual for me) thoughts and feelings that I had as I entered the lot, the booming voice that came out of me but I couldn't have mustered on my own. Truly, God protected me that night. It wasn't until I got home that it really affected me. I started thinking about all the things that 'could have happened.' I was really shook up. It's funny, though. I still go into dark parking lots at night, when I need to. I still don't expect bad things to happen. I'd like to think it's because I trust God in whatever happens.

So, I'm going to have to find an old car key to put in my box. To remind me that God is my Protector.