Thursday, January 13, 2011

Has it really been that long?

So, I'm kinda embarrassed to admit but I've had a lot of people in my life outside of bloggyland ask, "What's up with the adoption? I went to your blog, but there's nothing new there. Has anything happened lately?" And the answer would be... no. I'm ashamed to say that we are still in a sea of paperwork. I'd love to be moving faster. I'd love to have my kids by now. I could point to a lot of reasons why we aren't further along. There's some personality issues going on here... there's some differences in priorities here... whatever. The truth is they would all be excuses. We are just not getting through our paperwork nearly as quickly as I would like to be. That's it.

I'm hoping we can get our homestudy done before DH's next jaunt to the sandbox... I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever make it. We are almost done with the first volume of paperwork, what we need for the homestudy. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that he's not as "into it" as what I am. I have an amazing and supportive husband. Adoption is something we've always talked about and knew we were going to do... someday. I just got to someday faster. And while he's on board, I think he has some hesitations. He's not sure that NOW is the someday. So I think I've kinda been dragging my feet waiting for him to catch up to me. I want him to want this as badly as I do. Let me clarify: he wants to adopt, he wants more kiddos. It's just that I'm chomping at the bit ready to go and he's just... not. He's ready but he could also wait a little longer, too. So maybe that's it.

I also think a lot of it is this business about those girls, the siblings that I've mentioned in the past. They have been weighing very heavy on my heart, very heavy. I don't know, really, what to make of it all. When I very first saw them pop up on the list of waiting children (no pictures, mind you, just info), I immediately felt drawn to them. I'm not sure why. Could it be that the oldest two share birthdays with my oldest two (one is two weeks off, one is the exact. same. day.)? Could it be that I feel for large sibling groups as I know they are more difficult to place? Could it be that I've wanted a little girl for so very long that five seems like a great idea? I don't know. But there you have it, they broke my heart. It totally engulfed me and that's how the maybe-someday-is-now conversation got opened up. Then, reality set in. We could not take five. That would make eight kids, a family of ten. TEN! We'd need a bigger car, we couldn't even all fit in the one we have. And we have a Suburban, for cryin out loud! How would we pay for an occasional dinner out as a family? How do you do vacations? Tickets to movies? Miniature golf? So there you have it: despite the incomparable pull on my heart, I rationalized that God put them there as a catalyst to get us moving on our adoption. Just. a. catalyst. right? OK, so then we decide to go ahead and get started, we research agencies, talk to folks and decide on a local agency that has an extensive list of waiting kids because that's what we're interested in. Not perfect kids, kids who need homes now. Kids who have been waiting. And what to my wondering eyes would appear... we had unknowingly chosen the very agency that has those girls on their list. Well, then, what do you do with that? So I began praying... praying for guidance, praying for a sign, praying for an answer, praying for them to find a family. I prayed that God would help their family find them and then I would know that we weren't that family. And in June, they showed up as matched on our agency's website and disappeared shortly thereafter.

Probably well enough anyway, as our agency has fairly strict guidelines about birth order and no artificial twinning and such. I consoled myself with the fact that it must be God's will and that our agency probably wouldn't have let us have them anyway. It was very bittersweet. I was sad that they weren't ours but happy that they had found a family. Except they hadn't. They then showed up on another agency's list. They weren't matched, their file just got moved. So I continued to pray. I prayed that if they weren't meant to be ours, that they would find their family soon. I flat out told God, if these kids are ours, YOU have to tell my husband. So that's what I've been praying for quite some time. I have vowed not to bring them up because if he brings it up, then I'll know it's from God. [If you're wondering, he does not read my blog so the secret is safe here. :) ] So that's what I've been praying since July when they popped back up. Limbo stinks. They have not been adopted, DH hasn't brought them up. However, there have been a lot of little things coming together that confirm to me that they are ours. If you would add this to your own prayer list, I would truly appreciate it. God hears the prayers of his people.

Anyway, I picked up this CD by Troy Allen Albers called Above the Rain while we were at family camp in October and there's this great song on it. It's called "Secret Admirer." I'd like to share the lyrics with you. It's been stuck in my head for quite some time.

The sun is shining brightly and that's why they've come to play.
To take advantage of the park on a warm and sunny day.
And among the slides and the swings and the sand and the things the wind blows through her hair,
And she looks at him and smiles and thinks she's kinda glad he's there.

And her secret admirer is watching her again
As she's dancing with her children, they get dizzy as they spin.
He's watching her and wondering, "How could anyone give so much?"
He marvels at her strength and the gentleness of her touch.

And her children's laughter sings to him as they happily share her life.
And he falls head-over-heels in love, again, as he watches his sweet wife.

"Daddy, Daddy, come and we'll build castles in the sand."
She never thought she'd see the day he'd completely understand
That among the slides and the swings and the sand and the things you'll find true happiness.
And the joy that a happy family brings is something no one should miss.

And his secret admirer is watching him again
As he twirls around his children, they get dizzy as they spin.
She's watching him and wondering, "How could anyone give so much?"
She marvels at his strength, and the gentleness of his touch.

And their children's laughter sings to her as they happily live their lives.
And his secret admirer, is so glad to be his wife.
You see, when I first heard the song, it immediately spoke to my relationship with my DH. I love him so much. Like they always say, "If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing." I am his secret admirer. Even 10 years later, I'm still head over heels in love with him. I marvel at what a wonderful husband and father he is and how much he gives our family. I was a little bummed about the line, "she never thought she'd see the day he'd completely understand" about a happy family. I was bummed because that's not my husband. He's always been a family man and that has always been a priority for him.

But you know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and it's not even the whole song? It's just the same snippet over and over again? I had that going on today. It was that part about building castles in the sand and she never thought she'd see the day he'd understand about happiness. To be honest, I had reconciled a while ago that the lyrics are what they are b/c the songwriter wanted them that way. He didn't know us and he didn't write the song for us. So it was just playing over and over in my head. Also, I had been over to Linny's blog and seen that I had missed a day of prayer yesterday and wanted to post on the prayer list about my above heart thoughts. I was mulling over just what and how much to say. So I've got all that going on in my brain while this short part of the song is swirling. It was very difficult to think, I felt like Winnie the Pooh. I must have been dense to the message because the repeat of the song shrunk down to "the joy that a happy family brings is something no one should miss." Over and over again it played in my head until I stopped to listen to it. Then it hit me. The lyrics are the way they're supposed to be. Those girls are missing the joy that a happy family brings... they are missing it and right now, he has yet to "completely understand."

1 comment:

  1. I just popped over from Linny's blog to tell you that I'm praying for you and your adoption process. May God unite your hearts to do His will and provide all you need.