too many "What if..."s

Sometimes I have to stop and question my sanity. I guess that means I am sane because the crazy people never stop to ask themselves if they are crazy, right?

This adoption process seems to be a little like being pregnant for the very first time. You have all these questions, you know how it goes for most people but you also know that there are so many uncertainties. You know that even if you do everything right, something awful may still happen. Even with all these things racing through your head, you are still so stinkin excited that you can't stand it. You imagine what your children will look like, what their personalities are, how they will fit into and change your family. You can't wait to meet them. You actually ache for the day that you will hold them in your arms.

But still...

Can I handle this? What if I can't?

Is this really what God wants us to do? What if it's not?

Am I really going to be able to help them? What if I can't do enough?

Are we nuts for wanting so many kids? What if something happens to us?

That's the one that got me. The other day I made mention that I had gathered up a whole box of "Wiggles" and other children's videos that I'm going to put in the yard sale we are doing to raise money for the home study. A good friend of mine heard me and said, "But aren't you going to need them again if you are adopting?" I replied with, "I don't think they will be young enough to want to watch them." She questioned, "They? Are you adopting more than one?" She then proceeded to tell me about a conversation that she had had with an adoption professional. (She and her husband had considered adopting at one point.) Evidently, the person had given her something to think about. I can't remember the exact wording but it went something like this: You have to really consider how many children you want because if something were to happen to you, you wouldn't want them split up. There are very few people who are willing to take in and raise large sibling groups. She said that had stuck with her. They have two (now grown) beautiful daughters. She also went on to tell me that they did, in fact, witness this actually happen. They have friends who, in their mid-thirties, died in a tragic automobile accident. They left behind five children under the age of five. No one in the family was willing to take all five of them so one family took the twins while another family took the three. She said to me that it broke her heart. She didn't think that she could have done that and that if it were her, she'd have taken all of them or none of them. She was very sad that they had to be split up.

WOW...

Well, DH and I have talked about what if something happened to both of us. We have a guardianship planned out. We have life insurance so that the money would not be an issue in taking care of them. We have a plan... so why did it affect me so much?

There are so many what ifs. There are so many things that *could* go wrong. There are so many awful possibilities. After much thought and prayer, I realized the 'what if's don't matter. Now, don't think I'm so naive as to think that we are immune from tragedy. That because we are doing something really good and following God's leading---we will somehow be protected from the horrors of this world. It's not that at all. It's that I KNOW we can make a difference in these kids lives. I KNOW that God will provide us with the strength, patience (that's a big one for me), empathy, love, money, and abilities that we need to help these kids. I KNOW that our lives will be blessed having known them. I KNOW that being with us will alter their futures. Those are the things I KNOW. So many things *might* happen tomorrow. Then again, they might not. I can prepare for the worst, but I can not waste time worrying about what might happen. There is just too much work to be done. So now, I must set about my Father's business.

Oh, and something funny about the conversation with my friend. It actually didn't occur to me until much later, when the panic was over. When I had put the worrying away, I got to thinking about that story she told, about the five kids. What she didn't know is that at our agency, there is a LONG list of kids who are waiting to be matched with a family. She didn't know that is why we picked this agency, to take a child that's been waiting. She didn't know that on that list is a set of five sisters. She didn't know that before I even found this agency, I found those girls. She didn't know that I have felt inexplicably drawn to these girls. She didn't know that after I initially saw their listing, it was edited to become two siblings groups. The girls had been split up (by the government of the country they are in) to become sibling group of two and a sibling group of three so that they might be adopted faster. She didn't know how my heart was broken for these girls when I saw that. How I thought, "Somebody needs to adopt them all together!"

She couldn't possibly have known that I've now been wondering:

"What if that somebody is us?"

I'm up and running now!

DH has been gone for almost a week now. I knew I would need about a week to "mourn" so we cancelled school for this week. No aruguments from the troops. We just focused on being together and enjoying each other. Until we had to get staples in DS2's head. And today I woke up with a killer headache. I spent most of the day in bed while the boys played Wii. I hate not being a good mom on those days. I suffer a lot of guilt for it. I think they like it when I get a headache-untimed access to the video games. So I started feeling much better after a late lunch (very late-cause that's how we are around here). Got a call from a dear friend and talked on the phone for hours. Got the boys some dinner and to bed (late) and the mourning period was over. I have been cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry, catching up on all things left undone. I feel good. It's funny because it came over me all of a sudden. I think somewhere out there, someone is praying for me. :) I love having the support of other Christians. And I am in awe that I have God, who cares so very much about me that he has them call me when I need them the most.

It's been while, hasn't it?

So I've been wanting to post something for a while now, but to be honest, I've not had anything enlightening to say. I think part of it is wrapping my brain around the fact that my beloved was getting ready to go and is now overseas. For 10 weeks. I can do this. I know I can. And I know there are sooooo many who've sacrificed time with their loved ones for soooo much longer than that. I am so very grateful for their willingness to protect our freedom and to their families that have to do without them. I'm not upset about DH going, what he does can actually help to save lives so I would never keep him here. I'm really proud of him and what he does. It just really stinks to be so far away from him. He's my best friend. He loves me when I'm so very unlovable. He gets me. Well... most of the time, he gets me.

Before he left we got some of the paperwork filled out and now I'm going to work on some more and make some progress. We'll see how much I can get done. Anyway, I'm going to bed. Boys to chase tomorrow. Grocery shopping to do.

The Case of the Missing Milkshake

So there's this children's music artist. She's relatively famous now, as children's music artists go, you may have seen her on NickJr. Milkshake. Anyway, she's out of Baltimore, MD and before she got on NickJr, she was giving free concerts in the parks around here. I think DS3 was just a baby and we went to the concert. We ended up purchasing her CD and we LOVED it. We listened to it all summer. Every time we got in the truck, we heard, "open up a bottle of sunshine, mix it up with a bowl full of daydreams, pour it into a suitcase full of laughter that I found... you won't find me sittin around." Anyway, we lost it. We looked, and looked, and looked... we just couldn't find it anywhere. Many times since then, we've thought about it and wished we knew where it was.

Fast forward. I found myself getting irritated with the boys. It happens. Right? I mean, they're kids... they can be irritating. Not a big deal. Really. Except... I realized that it was happening more and more. And more often than not. That's not so good. I had this awakening. I realized that I wasn't enjoying them anymore. That really hurt me. Now, that's not to say that I thought my children were miserable and I NEVER enjoyed them. We did lots of stuff together that we all really enjoyed. Crafts, field trips, reading books, playing with play dough, even yard work. What I'm saying is, I used to enjoy them all the time. I saw the world through the eyes of my children. I experienced the wonder and excitement of everything new again. New to them. If I was cooking, I wanted them with me. Who cares about flour and eggs on the floor? If I was doing laundry, they sat on top of the washer and put in the detergent and the fabric softener. Every minute I had with them was a joy and a wonderful new experience. That had all gone away. Somehow, I thought dinner would be done faster if I did it myself. Laundry would be easier if I didn't have them sorting the socks by tossing them across the room. I don't know. I let the mundane, the duties, the stuff of life swallow me and convince me that it would be better to put my life in boxes... some where kids were allowed, some where they weren't. How did that happen? That's not me. It happened because I let it. I allowed myself to think that somehow, laundry, a clean house, and a well organized life was important enough to let it squeeze out my children. MY CHILDREN.

So I've spent a lot of time trying to get back to that other way of life. The way where I include them in everything that they want to participate in. It's hard to go back to thinking that way once you get away from it. Then the other day, DS3 (4yo) wanted to be big like his brothers. He wanted to make the bread. I enjoyed helping him. :) And I mean, I really enjoyed it. I laughed when the flour hit the floor. I beamed when he ran the blender all by himself. I held my breath when he cracked the egg. And I bit my lip to keep from laughing when he announced, "It's time for the east!" Somehow he never gets that 'y' out. And when he pressed that start button and turned to me full of pride and said, "I did it! I made bread because now I'm four years old!" I blinked back the tears long enough for him to jump down, run off to join his brothers, and leave me to clean up the kitchen while crying for joy. Why did I ever let that get away from me? I will NEVER do that again. I will NEVER allow the meaningless garbage of making it through the day take my children from me.

So you're wondering what all this has to do with the missing Milkshake CD. Later, that same day the boys and I were in the school room. We have been working on learning the books of the Bible. I couldn't find the CD with the books of the NT that we had used the last time we worked on it. And, it had been so long, that I just threw in another one. Well, DS1 and DS2, who had learned them, got really confused with the new song. SOOOOO, I started looking through ALL the cases trying to find "I'm Gonna Sing" with the correct version of the song. I knew it had to be somewhere, I just figured it had gotten put away in the wrong case. I must have looked inside a dozen cases, all the while the boys are trying to get used to the newer version. Then I opened a case from an audio book that the boys never really liked and there it was-Milkshake! I literally started squealing and jumping up and down. I couldn't even get out what it was to tell the boys. I put it in the CD player and started blasting the music. It was wonderful. I finally regained composure and the boys asked if we could take and listen to it in the truck. So we did. I have to tell you. I put that CD in the truck and despite the 60 degree weather outside, when the music came on I was smacked with the heat of July in my memories. Memories started flooding back, memories of a time when every day was an adventure to be had... we found ourselves at the park, at the zoo, playing in the sprinkler behind our house, whatever notion struck us. I literally started crying. Like I said, I'll never forget that again. I told my DH that I thought the CD was deliberately hiding from me because I didn't deserve to have those memories back. At least not until I figured things out. So now we are loving life, listening to Milkshake, and going where the wind (or the boys) blow.

I am so grateful to God that he helped me to see where we were and where we needed to get back to before I lost too much time with my kids. Don't ever take anything for granted.

Oh, and by the way, I was able to stay on task and find "I'm Gonna Sing" and we all know the books of the New Testament. It was in the case of another audio book that the boys didn't care for. That's why we hadn't found them. They didn't like those.

The Great FB announcment

So we announced our plans on FB yesterday. The response was overwhelmingly positive. For that I am very grateful because a good many of the people we had already told had given us the responses listed in a previous post. I would like to respond to everyone individually but I'm afraid I would have to cut out too many details in the interest of time.

We are planning an international adoption. We feel really drawn to Colombia but found out our agency also has pilot programs in Costa Rica and Ecuador so we'll have to see where the God leads us. One of the reasons we narrowed it down to this area of the world is that I had 5 years of Spanish between high school and college. I'm sure I can drudge it back to the front of my memory with less effort than learning a whole new language, say Russian or Chinese. Also, we really like the way those countries focus on the children during the process rather than the adoptive parents. WE go to THEM. We stay with them in their county, on their turf, until they are attached to us. Only then do we get the all clear to bring them home. It seems a so much more loving way to disrupt their lives than some of the other methods used. I cannot imagine a better bonding experience than taking all of us out of our realm, our daily routines, and focusing on nothing more than getting to know each other and becoming a family. I also think that it would be good for the boys to experience how people in the rest of the world live.

We also feel drawn to a sibling group... yes, we will then become one of THOSE families... the ones with the suburban that functions as a clown car. You park, open the doors, and the kids just pour out! Hah! In all honesty, I'm really excited about filling my house with kids. For those of you who've seen my house, it will take a LOT of kids. :) Anyway, we don't know a lot of the details. We are trying to leave our thoughts and plans as open as possible in order to make sure that we get the children that God has planned for us. As daunting as it seems at this point to do all that paperwork and forms and homestudy (yikes!)... I draw comfort in knowing that God is in control, that He knows when we will bring them home and what their names will be. He knows where they are, what they've been through, and He watches over them while they wait for us.

So thank you for all who have been so supportive and are offering up prayers on our behalf. This is going to be a long process and I'm afraid that most of it will be spent waiting. I hope you continue to check in on us periodically. I hope you don't get bored.

As I mentioned yesterday, DS2 was semi-alarmed when he realized we were actually doing this. So today he asks, "Are we going anywhere today?" I said, "Yes, we have to take DS1 to guitar class." When he fired off another question, I realized I may not be making myself clear on this whole process. It's funny how kids brains work. His question, "After that are we going to go pick up our new kids?" Oh, if it only were that easy.

Off it goes!

So we filled out the registration and mailed it into our agency today. Woohoo! It's the first official step. We will be working with a local agency. That's the first reason we chose them. The second is that they have an extensive list of kids that are waiting for homes. We aren't looking for the 'perfect child' or the 'ideal referral.' Some of these kids have been waiting a long time and they shouldn't have to wait any longer. Some are sibling groups, some have minor special needs, some not so minor. We will see where the Lord leads us. There's a long road between now and then. We have a lot of paperwork to do. The hope is that we get the first round of stuff sent out (requesting birth certificates, child abuse clearances, etc) before DH leaves so that the waiting for that to come back happens at the same time that he is away. Then, if all goes well, we'll be able to jump into the homestudy when he returns.

We've been talking about the adoption with the boys for so long now. Sometimes you just assume that they know what's going on. When I was writing the check for the registration fee, I was telling them who it was for and why. DS2 looked at me and said, "You mean we're really going to adopt? Really? More kids?" I guess we've been talking so long, they thought it was just talk. :)

Anyway, we are sooooo exicted. Please pray for us and this process. We know that it's going to be a long road. It will be exciting as details unfold but we are not so naive that we think it will go along without any hitches. We have faith that God will take care of us and help us. We will be praying without ceasing on this matter and we ask that ya'll take the time to pray for us as well. Thank you so much!

Why would you do THAT?!?!

So let's just get it out there. "Why would you do that? I mean, you have three beautiful, healthy children. Why can't you just be satisfied with what God has given you? And what about the boys... that's not very fair to them, is it?" Yes, we have heard this (and it's many variations) a lot when it comes to announcing our adoption plans. And it's not coming from just aquaintances. It's coming from friends, family, and people that I thought knew us and "get" us.

I'm sure that they all mean well. And I'm not sure that it's exactly fair to hold them to something that fell out of their mouths on a knee-jerk reaction to our announcement that we are planning an adoption. The truth is, I am so happy to share my thoughts with anyone when it comes to something that I'm passionate about. Whether it's raising kids that love the Lord, milling your own wheat into flour, cloth diapering, homeschooling or adoption-- I will tell you everything you want to know and then some things you probably don't. I just have a really difficult time answering those questions. When people put it like that, it makes me think that they've already made up their minds that they don't think we should or that they don't really want to hear the answer.

So here it goes, this is our story:
My second son was born in Sept '03. That Christmas, he was just a teeny-tiny peanut... well he was born at 9lbs 7ozs so how little could he be? All I know is that he was a lot smaller than he is now. Anyway, we were chilling watching TV one night and this program came on. "A Home for the Holidays" It's put on by the D*ve Thomas Foundation (you know, the founder of Wendy's). They are trying to raise awareness for the kids in Foster Care who are looking for homes and families to love them. It ripped my heart right out. I realize that I was an all-hormonal nursing mother holding a precious little baby, but I'm telling you, those stories were with me for a LONG time. That was the first seed that God put in my heart.

My DH and I talked about it off and on for the next couple of years. We always knew it was something that we wanted to do, but never was it time. Then we found out we were expecting baby number 3 at the same time we were building our house (right where the old one used to be). Yep, we moved out, knocked it down, built a new one and moved back in (while very pregnant and then with a newborn). Anyway, the original plan was to move in, get settled, and then start the process. At least, that was our plan. God gave us our third son. So we decided to wait until he was a little older.

So fast forward to Sept/Oct 2009. All of a sudden, all signs started pointing towards adopting. People I knew were talking about other people who were adopting. Adoption started showing up in online discussion groups as well as some mom's/homeschooling groups I'm in. We finally got the picture (well at least I did) when a guest speaker for the adult class talked about orphans on the same Sunday morning as the gentleman leading communion told a story about a little girl he saw being adopted in Russia. It all came out of nowhere and it seemed like I couldn't go a day without someone using some form of the word 'adopt'. Anyway, I started praying, I mean REALLY praying. I poured my heart and soul out to God. I begged to know if it truly was meant for us or if I was reading too much into it. Then we went to Bible Study the following Sunday morning. During the prayer, the speaker was listing off all the blessings God has given us... somewhere in the middle there was a pause and as he spoke the next word, the mic suddenly got a whole lot louder. What was the word you ask? Adoption. Now, I realize that he was referring to God adopting us as his sons and daughters but the change in volume alone was enough to make me jump out of my seat, let alone the fact that it happened on that Sunday, and that word. I've not questioned our choice since.

I could give you a million different reasons why we've chosen to adopt. What it comes down to, though, is that we believe that God wants us to. We believe that we have been blessed with this big house for a reason. We share it every chance we get. We have a Chevy Suburban... it seats 9. We have lots of room. We have always had plenty of food... plenty of love to go around. God gave us three beautiful, healthy children. Who are we to think that they are the only children he intended us to have? He has millions (443 million at last estimate) of children spread throughout this world that are cold, starving, living in the streets, sick, dying, hurting. They want nothing but someone to love them. They are innocent little children. They deserve nothing but the best, but what they get is worse than nothing. Who am I to think that God doesn't expect me to help them? He gave me three beautiful, healthy children of my own... why would I not take care of His children?