Gotcha Day... One Year Later

So on this day, one year ago... we were rushing from Bogota to Pasto (our original plane was cancelled and then the second flight, the following day, couldn't take off).  We were a little frustrated, a lot nervous about making it in time, and a whole lot tired.  We landed in the Pasto airport, gathered up our stuff, managed to stuff it all into a van (I don't know how it all fit, it much have been enchanted like Hermione's bag), and raced down and around the mountain to our hotel.  Connor got car sick on the ride down and we all arrived a little worse for the wear.  But our real adventure had yet to begin.

We managed to get some food and unpack and just relax for a little and then we were swept away again to meet our kiddos.  In case you don't remember:

This is us waiting for the kids to come in.

Here come the girls.

Diana was so very timid.  It's hard to think of her that way.  It was one day out of the whole year.

Poor little John.  He was so upset.  It breaks my heart to think about it.

Everyone but Rylan in this picture.  I'm not quite sure how we got out without a 'family portrait'. 

Look how young she was!  Has it only been a year?

Anyway, a LOT has happened in the past year.  The kids are growing up and adjusting well, for the most part.  We've had some bumps in the road.  If I'm going to be honest, one of the kiddos is having a really difficult time.  We have a long road to go with her.  However, God has truly blessed us and we are so very happy we chose to say 'yes' to adoption.  These kids are mine.  I don't care where they came from or how they got here.  They are mine.  There are some days, and some mannerisms, that make me wonder how it is that they didn't come from my (or Ken's) genetic data.  Diana and her determined nature, the fact they all love to sing, John likes to drink his water ice cold, Juli and her defiant side (pretty sure that didn't come from Ken), the fact that they all love video games, how Cody and Diana are so much alike, how John is just like a mini Connor and it just goes on.

And yet, it's hard to forget just all they've been through.  They all have so many hurts, there's so much pain bottled up inside.  There's physical scars, there's emotional scars.  And more still, even with the happy experience of joining us to be a forever family, there's the loss of their foster moms.  It's just one more loss in a long line of losses for my babies.  Adoption is a happy thing and we are so very happy we have these kiddos, but there's so much loss.

So, since I've been delinquent in posting for quite some time. I just want to let you know that we've learned a lot from our new kiddos.  Here's a list of what we now know that we didn't before:

• No one can go forever without sleep.
• You can carry on a lot longer than you think without sleep.
• Six kids drink a LOT of milk.
• Six kids eat a LOT of food.
• Six kids use a LOT of toilet paper.
• Six kids make a LOT of noise.
• Sometimes, the kids that need you to hold it together the most are the ones who are the best at making you fall apart.
• You shouldn't talk about your kids in front of them because they learn English faster than you think.
• Having a toddler with a pitching arm is dangerous with a bowl of cereal.
• Don't be surprised if those people you expected to be excited, loving and supportive about you adding to your family aren't.
• Don't be surprised when people you don't know are excited, loving and supportive about your addition to your family.
• Cultural differences learned in the first seven years of life are difficult to unlearn.
• A child that has had to take care of herself for the first five years of life is not so happy when you expect her to do something just because you told her to.
• Just because twin brother and sister didn't come from the same womb at the same time doesn't mean that they can't be best friends.
• Even though twin brother and sister are not biologically related, they still can't get married.
• You can't make a kid eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom if they really don't want to.
• You learn that the little irritants in life, like traffic, don't really matter as long as no one has to use the bathroom.
• Having six kids can really help you learn to be more patient.
• Learning patience by having six kids is a little like learning to swim by diving into the deep end of the pool... sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires.
• There is always someone in the background sounding off, "Ma...Ma...Ma...Ma...Ma..." like the seagulls in Finding Nemo.
• When in the midst of a power struggle with a little, it's good to have a book within reach, because you could be waiting for a very long time.
• Sometimes the tiniest moments of accomplishment are the most celebrated.
• It feels so very good to overhear someone reassure themselves that you are, in fact, their mom.

And I couldn't end this post without a big shout out to our friends and church family.  We have so many friends who have really stepped up and stepped in when we needed help. The gracious gift of hand-me-downs seems to always come when we need it. The people at our local congregation have really, really helped us in ways that I can't even begin to measure.  They have prayed for us, fixed us food, given us a shower and gifts, shared knowing looks and hugs, encouraged us when things were tough, and seen us through in so many different ways.  Even now, a year later, we have people calling out of the blue to see if we need anything.  So many have taken one or more of our kids under their wing and made sure they feel welcome.  I still receive cards of encouragement in the mail.  I've never given much stock to the old phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" mostly because I feel that Americans are too prone to subcontract their parenting out these days but I really and truly have no idea how we would have made it this past year without y'all.  So thank you.  And thank you goes as well to our extended brothers and sisters in Christ.  I know so many of you have been praying regularly, even daily, for us.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  And thank you just really doesn't seem like enough.

Like the old saying goes, "The days are long [very, very], but the years are short."  It seems like the past year has just flown by.  Now I'm getting stressed about how little time I have left with each of them.  It just doesn't seem like enough.  

Anyway, here are some more recent pictures of the kids:

Ok.  So there's no doubt in my mind that we are a family.

I Need My Head Examined...

That's what my facebook post said today.  That's how I really felt.  What on earth have I gotten myself into?  Why did I do this?  I must be crazy.

A while back, I decided that I didn't want to go into the summer (ie. pool) season with three non swimmers.  I have had every intention of the girls being on swim team with the boys this summer but during our away gymnastics meets, we had some time at hotel pools and I realized that neither one of them were ready to be on a team... as in, neither one of them could swim, at all.  I find this odd since they lived in a beach town until we got them.  

As a side note, I would like everyone to know that swimming is the only extra curricular activity that we 'force' our children to do.  Both Ken and myself have a strong swimming background, his was with a swim team until he was old enough to coach, which he did and I spent many, many summer weeks on vacation with my grandparents camping at a lake and swimming and water skiing.  We both felt it was very important for the kids to learn how to swim, from a safety perspective.  In fact, I had a friend in college who could not swim and we had a hairy moment one night at a mutual friend's pool.  I didn't really care if it was swim team or swim lessons but I wanted our kids to be able to swim, and swim well.  Ken felt very strongly about swim team and it is the cheapest way to get them swimming well.  So when it all started, we told the boys that they needed to learn how to swim well for safety reasons and swim team was how Daddy and I chose for this to happen.  When they got to the point that they could beat Mommy and Daddy across the pool in a race, then they could choose whether or not they wanted to continue with the team.  So there you have it.  

Coincidentally, this will be the first year that we have one turn down team.  Rylan had a really rough summer last year.  He spent 12 hours a week at the gym working out for gymnastics and about 2 hours a day at the pool working out for swim and dive team.   That means that four days a week, he was working out, and I mean working out, for five hours a day.  On Saturdays, he rose early to go to the swim meet and left straight from there to go to the gym for three hours.  He was so tired and worn out, he was falling asleep everywhere and it just wasn't good for him.   This year, he has decided that he really wants to enjoy the pool and focus on gymnastics.  He is still going to do dive team, practice for that isn't as physically draining as swim team practice so he's opting out of swim team... and I'm really ok with that.  He can't actually beat me across the pool yet (and certainly not Ken) but I see his reasoning and he can certainly swim well, which was the goal.

Anyway, when I saw where the girls were with swimming, I decided that they needed to have some lessons before swim season rolled around.  There was only one choice when I decided that I wanted back to back lessons at each girl's level and ruled out nap times and times when we had to go to the gym.  They are on Mondays and Wednesdays and they started this week.  Of course, I signed them up long before I knew that Ken was going to be out of town on business four days a week during this time period.  As we were trying to get our schoolwork and chores done and get ourselves pulled together to go, I thought, "I really need my head examined for this."  Trying to get six kids and myself packed up to go and then showering afterwards and getting to Chick-Fil-A in time to eat before church... I must be crazy.

I have to say, it all went really, really well.  Despite the fact that the girls don't really do English yet, they both did really well in class.  Everyone had a great time.  I got in the pool with John and the big boys.  Diana and Juli joined us when they weren't in class.  Showering worked out and everyone was happy, happy, happy.  And it was really nice to be able to stop and just play with the kids.  Sometimes I get so stuck in what has to be done, whether it's cooking, cleaning, laundry, schoolwork or whatever... I forget that I need to be having fun with them, too.

And when we finally made it home and I got everyone tucked into bed, an eery silence fell upon the house.  I remembered exactly why I love the crazy hectic summer swim/dive team schedule...  there's no tomfoolery at bed time.  When their heads hit their pillows, they are out, because nothing wears a kid out like swimming.

Every Cloud...

has a silver lining....

or so they say.

I've had to deal with migraines my whole life.  My mom told me once that she could remember when I was 3 or 4 years old and I would come to her with a pasty white face, blue lips, and crying, saying that my head hurt.  I remember being in elementary school and having to go home because it hurt so bad.  I also remember one secretary who thought I was lying and would make me sit upright in the hard chairs in the office under the fluorescent lighting thinking that eventually I would admit I was lying and go back to class.  I have no idea why she thought I wanted out of class, I loved school.  I got straight A's.  I was the stereotypical teacher's pet.  But, I digress.

I missed a lot of school for migraines.  I missed a lot of college classes for migraines.  I could always tell which of my professors had actually had a migraine by they way they acted when I called to tell them why I had missed class... again.  After graduation, I missed a lot of work because of my migraines.  After Ken and I got married, I started seeing a neurologist for them.  I got some drugs to take at the first sign of a migraine.  It worked... about 1/3 of the time.  And the side effects were horrible.  The 2/3 of the time that they didn't work, I found myself dealing with a migraine AND side effects.  So I gave up on the drugs and the doctors.

Over the years, I have spent much of my time investigating and researching on my own.  I found out that I have hypothyroidism.  When I got that balanced, the timing of my migraines became more regular and more predictable.  As I started eating better, they became a little less severe.  As I have come to appreciate a natural lifestyle more and more, the migraines have become more manageable.  I started seeing a chiropractor and using essential oils and while I still had migraines, I was able to function.  For about six months, I did not have a migraine that completely debilitated me.  Slowed me down?,  Yes.  Changed my plans for a couple of days? Yes.  Kept me from driving?  Yes.  Kept me from being with my kids or fixing them lunch?  No.  Was I bedridden?  Nope.  Sent me to bathroom vomiting from the pain?  Thank God, no.  

Believe me when I tell you, I was very, very thankful for the respite.  Unfortunately, I haven't been so good about what I've been eating lately.  I haven't been to the chiropractor since before we went to Colombia.  And I've been paying for it.  I have had a lot of migraines in the past two months and I've had two that were completely debilitating.  The first one happened to fall on the weekend and Ken once again, was awesome.  He took care of the kids and the house and me.  

The second didn't work out quite so well.  I started getting a headache last Sunday afternoon.  By the time Ken left Sunday night (at bedtime) for his business trip, I was done for.  I got the kids in bed and fell into bed myself.  That's a rare thing, I typically HATE going to bed without Ken and avoid it as long as I can.  The night was hard.  I woke from the pain frequently and unfortunately, John woke just as frequently as I did, needing mommy love.  The morning was worse.  I had heard Connor and Rylan get up and I knew the girls were awake in their room, but I laid in bed as long as John slept.  When he woke, it was all I could do to get down the stairs holding his hand.  I strapped him in his high chair, got him some yogurt, and made it to the bathroom just in time.  

It was bad.  Very.  Very.  Bad.

Thankfully, Connor and Rylan have seen this before and were ready and willing to help.  They tried, but I realized a day like this was too much to ask of them.  I needed help.  If it had been just the older four, they could have watched movies all day.  That's what happened when Ken was deployed.  Actually, I think the boys secretly loved the days that I had migraines because they got to watch TV and play video games all day.  [Yep, I just wrote that for all the world to read.]  However, they couldn't take care of Juli and John ALL day.  Connor called a friend of mine who rearranged her morning to come over with her kids to help.  She brought food and fixed lunch.  About the time she got here, we discovered that my mom had actually called in sick to work and was home so I was covered for the afternoon and evening.  I'm so thankful for both of them.

My whole life, I could never see the silver lining in the cloud of migraines.  They were wasted days.  But as I lay on the floor of the dark powder room Monday morning, I called Rylan in.  I told him to go to the girls' room and let them know that Mommy said to come down for breakfast. (They are supposed to play quietly in their room in the morning until I come for them.  That post is for another day.)  He told them that Mommy was very sick and they needed to be very quiet.  Of course, both girls came running and looking for me.  Juli found me first and she just sat down beside me and watched me.  Diana came busting in and started talking in her booming voice.  I reminded her that she needed to be quiet and asked her to help Juli get her breakfast.  Juli was back from breakfast after about five minutes and sat down again.  She just watched me and after a few minutes she asked if I was sick.  I said yes.  She asked if I was crying.  I said yes.  She asked why.  I said that my head hurt... mucho, mucho.  She sat quietly for a while longer.  I asked her if she wanted to go play.  She said no.  She asked if I was still crying.  I said yes.  And then I looked at her.  She was crying, too.  I reached for her hand and tried to explain that Mommy is sick.  Mommy will be sick for one or two days but then Mommy will feel better.  I tried as best as I could, in my PJ's, disheveled and a mess, to convince her that I was going to be ok.  She was very upset.  She sat with me for about an hour, maybe more.  She held my hand almost the whole time.  At one point, she asked if she could lay with me.  So we lay together, spooning on the hardwood floor of the bathroom in the dark.

And that, right there, my friends, is the silver lining.  I have spent much time wondering if she was attaching to us at all.  She spends so much of her time trying to push us away that I wondered if she cared at all.  I'm not saying that in a snarky way.  I realize how much she's been through and I know she's having a tough time.  I know we need to love her whether or not she loves us back.  It isn't easy but we knew that was a possibility of what we'd be doing when we signed up for this job.  I just wonder if there's anything there.  Are we making progress?  Does she feel at home here, even a little?  Does she have any tiny little spark of love for us yet?  Maybe not love, but maybe a warm little fuzzy?  Possibly?  

Yes.  I think maybe she does.  I think that despite all the horrible crud that she's been through, despite how hard she tries to keep her distance and keep her heart safe, she cares about us... or about me at least.  It's a good place to start.  

I didn't want to have yet another migraine.  I certainly didn't ask for that.  But for the first time in my life, I think that if I had the chance to go back in time and do over those days without a migraine, I wouldn't have taken it.

Now I just have to figure out how to get back to the chiropractor with six kids in tow.

The Other Side of the Coin

Since I told yesterday about my fabulous time away with my big boys, I thought I should share about the rest of the story. 

 

John has been sick for more than a week now.  I hated leaving him.  As much as he had been attached to Ken in the beginning, he's a momma's boy now.  I really wasn't looking forward to leaving him.  I also knew that Juli's relationship with Ken has never really gotten off the ground and that she would have a difficult time with me leaving.  What I didn't plan for was Diana's reaction.  When I told them about it she seemed ok.  Then Saturday morning, she was playing on the floor and just looked up at me and said, "Mami no va."  (Mommy don't go.)  I explained to her that I needed to go and that she would sleep that night and have the whole day tomorrow with Daddy.  When she went to bed that night, I would come and kiss her goodnight after she was sleeping.  She was having a difficult time dealing with it but when she saw Cody packing clothes to go, it was all over.

 

I needed the time away but I hated to do it.  These kids have been through so much before we got them.  And when you look at it, they've been through an awful lot since we've gotten them.  They had to leave their homes, their schools, everyone and everything they knew to go to another city and have this 'new' family thrust upon them.  When they finally started getting used to the new space, we had to up and go to a new place.  That place was no fun; we couldn't really go and do much.  It was a whirlwind of doctors appointments, photos, applications, meetings here and there, shots and sooooo much waiting.  There was no time to cope with or heal the emotional upheaval caused by this move before we had to hop on a plane for five hours to go home.  The home that's they've never seen before, yet, they are expected to view it as home.  A five hour plane ride is difficult enough for little kids but put on top of that what they have to deal with emotionally for this move.  We've been home for 3 months and 2 days.  Ken has had to leave for work several times, but mom hasn't left them.  I did a quick trip to the store a couple of times but really, I've never left them. 

 

How are they supposed to believe me when I tell them it will be ok?

 

But Ken is fabulous.  He is so very patient with them and he is really hands on.  He is such a great dad.  They went to the basement and played.  He made pepperoni rolls for dinner.  He sat with John when he was upset and crying for Mami.  He did laundry.  He changed diapers.  He did math.  He held John when he accidentally fell asleep on him.  The only thing he didn't do was go to church.  John ended up being entirely too sick for that.  He did such a good job that when I went to the girls room to get them the next morning, they really weren't all that excited to see me. 

 

I guess that's good.

 

Time Away

This parenting thing is hard work.  It gets even harder when you try to blend a family like we have.  It gets me thinking about the Brady Bunch. 

 

Anyway, when I only had three kiddos, I poured myself into them and there I found my joy, my purpose.  I was good.  I know a lot of people who get overwhelmed being a mom and need time away to get refreshed.  That had never been me.  I'm not trying to come across as superior or better, it's just that's the way I am.  Have you ever heard the saying, "Find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life."  Yeah, that's how I was being a mom.  I rarely needed refreshed because what I was doing was what refreshed me.  I loved my job.

 

I still love my job.  And I love my kids.  But sometimes, it's overwhelming.
Really.  Really.  Overwhelming.
Ken has been going away for work 3-4 days a week for the past several weeks and I find that I'm pretty well toasted by the time the weekend rolls around.  And then we found out that Rylan drew the Sunday afternoon slot for his gymnastics meet for Valentine's Day weekend.  Oh, that makes things difficult.  Ever since Rylan went competitive, we've been faced with the issue of dealing with Sunday meets.  It's hard.  We really, really want to convey that God comes first, that worshipping is more important than a gym meet.  On the other hand, he's really good.  This isn't something that he dabbles in.  This could be his 'thing,' if you know what I mean.  So a long time ago, we decided that it was ok for him to go to Sunday meets, and that one parent would take him but that the rest of the family would go to church. 

 

However, as it turns out, he had drawn the afternoon slot.  The meet was in VA Beach and we've done this before.  In the past, we drove down on Saturday, spent the night, got up and visited with a local congregation, grabbed lunch, gone to the meet, and drove home that same day.  We thought about doing that again.  However, as Ken and I talked about it, we both knew that the new kiddos weren't ready for this kind of trip.  The decision was made that one parent would take Rylan and the other would stay with the other five.

 

I hate to admit it.  I knew in my head, the easiest, most logical choice was for me to stay home.  I was used to handling all the kids alone.  It would be difficult for Ken to stay with them since he wasn't used to doing it solo.  Also, the girls seem to relate better to me.  The have come to realize that I'm the parent, whereas they are still testing Ken's authority.  In my heart, I was heartbroken.  I would like to say that I was only heartbroken that I wasn't going to see Rylan compete.  That was part of it.  The other part was that I was screaming on the inside.  I didn't see how I was going to do the weekend without Ken sandwiched between two weeks of him being away for work.  I needed a break. 

 

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to be the one to go.  Rylan has always been the one that needed a little more mommy time and he's been surviving on the bare minimum since we got home.  I wanted a break and I wanted time with him, and not just him.  I wanted to shower my affections and my attentions on Rylan and Connor.  I have had to ask so much more of my two big boys than I ever imagined that I would have to ask of them.  I have had to ask so much more of them than I ever wanted to ask.  The have grown up so much in the past 4 1/2 months, they've had to.  And they've had to do with much less help from mommy, much less attention from me.  That's the part I hate.  I knew I was going to be putting a lot of attention and time into the new kids.  I knew that my 'old' kids would take a hit on their attention and time, but I didn't realize just how much.  And I had no idea that I would need them so much.  I had no idea that I would have to call on them for help as often as I've needed to.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much all three of us needed this.

 

I pleaded my case with Ken.  As it turns out, my husband it amazing.  He never batted an eye.  He said, "OK.  I'll stay with the kids."  And that was it, it was decided. 

 

It ended up that Cody joined us, too.  It was really, really great.  I was able to have whole conversations with them.  They didn't have to wait for my attention.  We talked almost the whole way down.  Even when they were playing video games, they would stop and talk to me.  Rylan told me about the Trojan pig he was making in Minecraft.  Cody was full of all of his questions, the kind he's always had but I haven't had time to answer lately.  They aren't the usual kid questions and his mind comes up with all kinds of things.  Connor picked out the CD's and we all sang along. 

 

When we got to the hotel, we went to the pool.  It was very cold and we didn't stay long.  We went back to the room and ordered pizza and watched the Olympics until bedtime.  We weren't able to find a church service that would allow us to get to the gym in time.  I really agonized over that as my boys lay there sleeping.  Truth be told, if I had known that we weren't going to church, I would've left Connor and Cody at home to go to church with Ken.  I knew then that we wouldn't be going and that we'd have a little time to sleep in.  The next morning, Rylan woke about 30 minutes before my alarm was set to go off.  He snuggled in next to me.  He's not too big to cuddle, you know.  When I told him that it was time for me to go shower, he held on.  This was a moment that I will remember.  I don't know how many more we'll have now that our family is bigger and he's getting older.  I will try to make them happen as much as I can.

 

We got ready, went to breakfast, checked out of the hotel, stopped at the 7-11 for a power bar and got to the gym early.  We sat in the van and talked before going in.  Even then, we were a little early and the boys' section was surprisingly quiet.  We found seats and waited for Rylan's coach to appear.  I was really hesitant to talk to Rylan about his gymnastics.  I try hard to be a mom and let the coach do the coaching.  But he hasn't been doing as well lately with his gymnastics.  I don't mind when he scores low or places low, but I could tell that he has not had his head in the game.  Against my better judgement, I went around to the other end of the seats to talk to him.  I told him how much I believed in him.  I told him that I knew he is gifted in this sport.  I told him a lot of things.  I don't know if he listened to me or if it was the embarrassing mistake that he made at the last meet, but we saw a good bit of the old Rylan yesterday.  He was focused.  He wanted to win.  He made a few mistakes, a step here, a hop there, an extra circle on the mushroom, but there was no denying that the Rylan that made me fall in love with the sport all over again was back.  And the whole time that I was watching him, Connor was by my side.  He signed up to be the videographer so I could take pictures.  He and I shared some really good conversation.  He's turning into quite the amazing young man.  I really enjoy being with him and talking to him.

 

For the first time ever, Rylan placed in both Pommel and Vault.  For the first time ever, he placed in all six events.  He tied for third in the All Around. We cheered him on through the awards ceremony.  We beat it out of the gym and off to the van.  We had exactly an hour to make it to the church in Williamsburg.  It takes an hour to get there.  We got there and as I sat and listened to the lesson, two boys on one side and one on the other, I was struck by just how blessed I am, how much this weekend meant to me (and hopefully to them), and how I felt like it was just what we needed. 

 

After church, we ate at Friendly's and I didn't even make Rylan eat all his dinner before he moved on to ice cream.  I was sufficiently sugared up having had two sodas and a whole lot of ice cream, that I made the drive home easily despite the hour and long day.  I don't know if it was the sugar or the company, but I felt like I was flying.

Thankful for a Husband Who...

• Works really, really hard to provide for our family so that I can stay home with the kiddos.  It's not exactly easy living as a family of 8 on a single income but Ken works hard.  When he changed jobs a year and a half ago, I was treated to a night out with him at the company's Christmas party.  I was almost brought to tears as one after another person that I met told me how happy they were to have Ken on the 'team,' that they'd never met anyone with such a strong work ethic or upstanding moral character, how good he is at what he does, etc.  I mean, I've always liked him but it's really good to hear that what he's doing is appreciated. 
• Works really, really hard to do what needs to be done at home.  I know he's tired but he rarely takes a load off.  If something needs done, he does it, whether it's laundry, sweeping, reminding our ever distractable child to find his chore chart, helping check math problems, changing a diaper, emailing some guy on craigslist because one of our children has found something they want to purchase with their birthday money, printing up worksheets for school, running to the grocery store, taking one child to guitar lessons or picking another up from the gym, booking a hotel for the upcoming meet, cleaning the gutters, super gluing a toy, fixing the stupid computer that won't do what I want, and the list goes on and on and on.
• Works really, really hard to spend time with each of the kids and develop/maintain a relationship.
• Will sit patiently on the side of the bed waiting for a restless two year old to fall asleep because I can't stand to hear him cry but am so emotionally spent that I can't do it myself.
• Will stay home from work to do my duties when I find myself with a migraine that keeps me in bed all day, usually meaning that he has to stay up late after he gets the kids to bed to do what he would have done had he gone into work.
• Follows God, wherever He leads and leads our family along the way.
• Was willing to trade sides of the bed with me to sleep next to the crib so that he could help John back to sleep and I could get a little more rest.
• Will go downstairs to supervise the kids running off some steam because he knows it's needed and that really isn't my favorite thing to do.
• Is an enthusiastic supporter of the kids in all their activities, be it swimming, guitar, gymnastics, church activities, school work.
• Has given me a back rub nearly every night of our 13 1/2 years of marriage, save for two illnesses and when he was deployed.  If that isn't love in action, I don't know what is.
• Puts up his mother-in-law in his house.
• Tolerates my mood swings and calmly allows me to vent.  He is also smart enough to wait till I ask if I'm overreacting to tell me, "Maybe a little" with a smile on his face.
• Tries to do all the little things for me that I have been meaning to do for myself and just haven't had the time, like putting my easy pass up so I don't have to hold it every time I want to drive on the HOV lanes, putting seat covers on my van seats, putting a new battery in my phone, and even repacking the church bag from when I puked the stuff out and converted into a "taking all six kids to the doctor's office" bag.
• Is right now, even as I write this (11:15pm), tending to a sick little toddler.  A boy who was born in another country to complete strangers but is very much his own son and will know the love of a father because my husband cared for someone he'd never even met.

Thank you so much, my love, for all that you do for me and our family.
Thank you, God, for so richly blessing me with a man that is so much better than what I deserve.

Hair Weekend

Most people actually say "Hair Day."

But it takes me all weekend to get the girls' hair done.

 

Well, not ALL weekend but pretty close.  On Friday afternoon I start by taking all the beads out followed by taking all the braids out.  I let the girls pick a movie to watch when it's their turn so they will sit still.  They are both actually pretty good about it.  This is the only time I let them watch TV in Spanish but it's worth it.  Anything that helps. Of course, during the time that I have to take the beads and braids out, we have to stop to take Rylan to gymnastics... then we have to stop again to go pick him up.  I'm not sure how long this takes... I can go much faster with the simple hairstyles that I put on Juli than with the many, many braids that I put on Diana.

 

Once the hair is all free I take the girls up to soak in the tub.  While we are there I wash and condition their hair.  The conditioner is the kind where you leave it on for 15 minutes under a shower cap to get nice and toasty and really deep condition.  I let them play in the tub while we wait and then stand up to rinse the conditioner out and shower.  Once the shower is over, I put leave in moisturizer on, part the hair into sections that I'm going to use the next day and put each section into one fat braid to keep it from getting tangled overnight.  This part takes about 2 hours.

 

Tomorrow, starting right after breakfast, I will start braiding.  I will take a break to shower at some point and I will have lunch.  Last time I did this, it took about 6 1/2 hours to do Diana's braids.  At that point I only had time to do the cute little crisscross ponytails in Juli's hair... which I absolutely love but they don't last very long.  Juli has told me that she really wants the beads in her hair this time so I will do her first and do braids... although, I probably will make the parts a little farther apart and try to go faster.  She's really good about sitting still but she's four.  We'll see how it goes.  Diana wants the same braids as last time so hopefully with all the practice, I'll get faster.

 

I both love and hate hair weekend.  I love doing the girls' hair.  It's just another form of art and I'm looking forward to getting much better and being able to do more.  I love the time I get to spend with them on my lap and the time sit in the bathroom playing and talking.  I love washing their hair for them.  I know how much I enjoy going to the salon and getting my hair washed by someone else and I think they really enjoy it, too.  I love that I get to do this for them.  However, I really, really wish I could go faster, both for their sakes and for the boys.  I feel like I neglect them to get it done.

 

Anyway, wish me luck!

 



Catching up

Wow, it's been almost two months since my last post.  I've had many a person tell me how they miss them.  I could get a big head here.  Although, I don't really feel that my writing was anything special or eloquent, I do understand how friends and family can get attached to this kind of story and want to hear the next 'chapter.'  I have a friend who moved her family to Austria for a couple of years and vowed to write something on her blog each day.  For two years, I read her blog every day and it felt like she had never left.  Honestly, I knew more about what was going on with her family than I had at any point since we'd left college and I felt like I was right there with her.  After her two years were up, they stayed on for another year but she hasn't been writing *every* day.  I miss it when she doesn't write.  (hint, hint)

 

Anyway, I also feel like there were so many people who helped us get our children home.  I feel like they are entitled to know how we are doing and what's going on.  I don't want to be one of those authors who ends the book badly... or in an entirely bad place to end a book just so you have to suffer through waiting for the next book in the series.

 

Another reason I'm going to try and recommit to writing more frequently, although I can't promise it will be daily like when we were in Colombia, is that it has a cathartic effect for me.  I can get on here and write all the horrid stuff that happened with no filters and reckless abandon and realize that's not how I actually think about my family and certainly not what I want the world to think I think about my family... so I delete.  And as I delete, something inside of me lets go.  The unimportant stuff disappears and I can really see what matters, what happened that day that makes a difference.  It's not that I'm trying to show a faux family to the world... it's that the first draft before the delete is the venting and the second, subsequent writing of the day is the hindsight, the wisdom, if you will, of what the day really was about.

 

The final reason I want to write is that I need to write.  It's entirely selfish.  It's not just that I need to write either.  It's that I need you all to read it.  I need you when the times are tough.  I need to be open and honest about what goes on here.  Somehow it's easier to say to the computer than it is to say it to your face when you ask how things are going as we stand and make small talk in the church foyer or pass each other in the parking lot of the gym.  I have always believed in the power of prayer but never have I seen evidence so clearly in my own life as through this adoption process.  I have seen God answer questions clearly and without confusion when we needed to know what to do next.  I have seen Him provide for us in ways that we never imagined when we trusted Him to pave the way.  I have felt His peace at times when I needed it more than I could ever explain. 

 

We knew it was going to be really touch in Colombia.  We were taking home (to a hotel) three kids that we had never met before.  These kids had been through a lot of stuff and were going to need loving, caring arms to hold them.  These kids needed to grieve.  And at the same time, we wanted to make sure that the three big kids were having their needs met and didn't feel like they were getting thrown out with the trash.  We were prepared.  We had read a lot.  We had a plan but we are laid back enough to realize when the plan needed changed.  We were ready.  We were ready physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

 

It was unbelievably difficult.  Although we had expected it, the expectation didn't make it any easier.  It was in Colombia where I finally figured out what Paul meant when he said, "Pray without ceasing."  It was really, really hard.  It was exhausting.  The big boys stayed up late and the little ones got up early, all the while, John didn't really sleep through the night.  The daily (sometimes twice or three times) battles with Diana were physically draining.  The nonstop needs of three little broken souls along with the emotional needs of three big boys were enough to dry up one's emotional spring.  But through it all, I was at peace.  I was calm the whole time... and those who know me well, know that calm is not me... it's not part of who I am.  I had the strength that I needed when I needed it.  There is no doubt in my mind that we were carried on so well because we were lifted up in your prayers.  I know that a lot of you read the blog daily and prayed for whatever was going on with us.  I know that God answers prayers and that He listened and acted when he heard your petitions on our behalf.  For your prayers, your time and your energy, I will forever be grateful.  You called for the strength and the peace and the patience and the calm for us when we were too tired to utter the words for ourselves.

 

But then we came home.

 

And that was good, but somehow, I had convinced myself that the worst, hardest part was over.  And I became a little vain and forgot just how it was that I made it though that part.  I patted myself on the back for a job well done and acted as if we had done it alone and it wasn't God that had carried us through.  It was almost as if I had said, "It's ok, God, we'll take it from here.  We're home safe and sound now so You can go on about Your business.  I've got this." 

 

Oops.

 

Yeah.  Well.  Guess what.  In some ways it got easier.  In others, it just got a whole lot harder.  I've been really struggling and I realized that I haven't been praying without ceasing.  I haven't been sharing my struggles.  I haven't been relying on Him, I've been relying on me.  Truth be told... I shouldn't rely on me.  Because I can't do this.  It's too hard.  It's too much.  I'm not strong enough.  But then again, God never really intended for me to do this.

He intended for us to do it, together. 

 

So friends, pray on, if you will.  If you can forgive me for how I left the end of the book hanging.  I will write more about how the kids are doing in my next post.

 

Soon.

 

I promise.

Christmas Trees

So the day after Thanksgiving is one of my very most favorite days of the entire year.  No, I don't go shopping and get some great deals on Christmas presents.  Ken and I started a tradition a very long time ago.  One of my friends asked us to join them at a farm in Buckeystown, MD, Mayne's Tree Farm, to get our Christmas trees.  It wasn't Black Friday that year but since then it has become a Black Friday tradition for us.  There's only been two years since Connor was born that we didn't go there and he's almost 12.  The year he was born and the year that we were renting while our house was being built.  Both times I was extremely disappointed with our tree hunting experience.  After the second time, I vowed we would never willingly choose a different experience. 

We love it.  We hop in the Explorer/Suburban/Sprinter (our cars have grown as our family has grown) and ride up the road to the farm.  It's a family run farm and they keep their business going buy selling Christmas trees.  We ride a tractor out to the field.  We make sure to tell them we want white pine, because white pine is huggable.  We jump off the tractor with a saw.  We used to use their hack saws but we have since learned to bring my DeWalt reciprocating saw with a battery.  We search and search.  We mark trees with gloves and hats and scarves to make sure we can find them again.  We look from every angle and we look at all sides.  Well, using the term 'we' isn't exactly correct.  You see, I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to Christmas trees and I'm the one doing all this.  Ken follows me around.  The boys have always done their best to point out the tree that they think is 'the one' but I'm the one who makes the decision.

Once the decision is made (after traipsing around the field for about an hour), Ken usually asks three or four times if I'm sure (because sometimes I'm not) and then he cuts it down.  We drag it back to the trail and the tractor picks it up.  The put it on the machine that shakes out most of the dead needles and then they stick it through the machine that wraps it.  We load it up, buy a dozen jars of preserves to last the year, and go have lunch.  We drive home, put the tree up and the kids and I watch my all time favorite Christmas movie "The Muppet Christms Carol" while I put the lights on the tree and Ken hangs the Christmas lights on the house.  For the past two years we have been very pleased to have my aunt and uncle meet us there and visit with us on this day... and this year they got to meet the newest Yeatmans.

It was a good day.  Diana and John loved the whole thing.  John especially loved the tractor ride.  Yuli did ok but started to fall apart before the day was over.  All in all it was a good day.  I tried really hard to not take long to choose the tree.  We ended up with a much smaller tree than usual but it's pretty.  I hope they continue to plant more white pine.  It seems like the selection wasn't as good this year.  We had a good lunch and I got half the lights on the tree.  Unfortunately, Ken is having a really hard time with his cold/illness/plague whatever it is and didn't get the lights up outside.  In fact, Friday was his last day up and it may have done him in.  Starting with Saturday, Ken spent four days in bed.  He only got up once to sit with Yuli in her room while she raged for an hour so I could have a break.  He then got up on Monday to go to the doctor, but for four days, I was single-mommin' it.  That was rough.  Ken ended up cancelling his business trip and by the end of the week he was feeling ok to work from home.

Giving Thanks

For the past several years, I had gotten into the ritual of spending the entire month of November posting on Facebook what I was thankful for.  This year, I didn't.  I wasn't entirely in the loop when October gave way to November and I just found it difficult to get started.  However, I have a whole lot to be thankful for this year.  Not really only this year, but it seems that I'm realizing it more this year than other years.  So here's a short list of what I'm thankful for.

10.  I'm thankful for our material blessings.  I know it sounds shallow but without this house, we wouldn't have been able to bring three more kids home.  Without my van, we wouldn't have been able to travel in one car together as a family.  And then there's food.  I love food and I'm thankful that we are able to buy what we need when we need it... and for the most part what we want, too.

9.  I'm incredibly thankful for our church family, work friends, and homeschooling friends who are helping to carry us along in this rough transitional time.  They have prayed for us, given us money, encouraged us, brought us food, and have really lightened our load.  We have truly been able to concentrate on our new family because of them and there is no doubt that the prayers have gotten us through the tough days.

8.  I'm thankful for my baby boy John and that he's allowing my to have one more mamma's boy.  I'm thankful for one more go round with baby talk and sippy cups.  I love his cute little smile and the dimple right in the middle of his cheek.  I love it when he calls me Mami and clutches onto my leg when he doesn't want Daddy to take him to bed.  I love when he wraps his arms around my neck like I've always been his mommy.

7.  I'm thankful for my quiet, shy, baby girl, Yuli.  When she cuddles with you, she just sinks right into your arms and your heart.  When she is happy, she is really, really happy and she'll share it with anyone.  She loves hugs and cuddling.  She's cute as a button and has the best smile ever.  She's brave even in the face of doing something she doesn't want to do (ie. come to the US). 

6.  I'm thankful for my loud rambunctious girl, Diana.  She has a huge personality and lives life to the fullest.  She really loves her new family and is not at all shy about saying so.  Well, she's just not at all shy.  She is so very patient with me and my Spanish.  She is willing to help out when a job needs to get done and she is so very full of life.  She's a fast learner and loves playing with her big brothers.

5.  I'm thankful for my bright, loud, energizer night owl, Cody.  He is so smart it scares me sometimes.  He is very good with his little brother and is an excellent translator when it comes to Spanish.  I love to hear him singing (which he does all the time) and he is a fantastic cuddler.  He remembers everything he's ever read, seen on tv, or heard someone tell him.

4.  I'm thankful for my quiet soul son, Rylan.  He is an amazing gymnast and overall athlete.  He can be counted on when something needs to get done.  He is an amazing cook but he chops wood, too.  He is my mini-me and is the first one to know when someone is upset.  He gives the best hugs and when I wrestle with him, it has to be only him because he is about to overtake the strength I have left in this old body.

3.  I'm thankful for my dear, sweet, grown up little man, Connor.  He sometimes behaves more like a mature adult than I do.  He keeps me together when I can't find my keys or sunglasses or almost forget my water.  He herds the little ones when we're going out the door and keeps them busy when I need to get something done.  He has a very generous heart and always thinks of others first.

2.  I'm thankful for the godly man that is walking this life beside me.  I am so very blessed to have him.  He is nothing short of amazing and I have no idea what I would do without him.  Sometimes I think that God crafted him especially for me... because I'm not sure the average man could handle my mess.

1.  I'm most thankful for the sacrifice that Jesus made.  He gave up everything that was pure and holy and perfect to come down to this filthy, awful place filled with pain and suffering to die an excruciating death... for what?  For. Me.  Wow.  Every day should be a day of  thanksgiving for that.

One Week Home (and one day more)

Here it is.  We've been home for one week.  All in all, things have been going ok.  Ken went back to work on Tuesday.  He had been planning on taking one more week off to help us get settled in.  I told him that I would actually prefer he go in for short days to get me used to it before he goes back to full days.  He's such a good man.  I don't know if he actually wanted to go to work or not but he did.  I'm sure it's much quieter there.  He would stay home in the morning long enough for me to get showered and get the kids together and be ready for the day (it takes longer than you might think).  Then he would go in and most days be home by 6:30 or so.  It worked out well.

So here's what's up with the kids:

Connor is as awesome and mature as ever.  He sees what needs to be done and does it.  He helps out with the little ones as much as he can.  I don't think he'd admit it if you asked him but he seems to really like having a two year old to take care of.  He's really great with them and obviously got his patience from his father, definitely didn't get that from me.  He started back to guitar on Monday and it's good for him to be playing Christmas music.

Rylan went back to gymnastics on Tuesday, also good for him.  He needs a break to be with friends and enjoy time away from the craziness.  He started having breathing problems that night so we broke out the nebulizer.  It's been quite a while since he's needed it.  At first we thought it was that he had lost his tolerance for chalk dust.  Then we thought he'd picked up the cough that Ken, John, and I had all been through.  After three days of needing the nebulizer and it not helping much, Ken took him to the doctor Friday.  He's got bronchitis.  Yay.  Why him?  He's got a meet in two weeks.  I know one thing for sure, he won't let it slow him down and he won't miss competition season.  I just pray that he can get over it and have a good season.

Cody is... well... Cody is... Cody.  Is there any other way to describe him?  He waffles between being mature and helpful to behaving like a three year old.  I don't guess that's any different than it was before.  He has been fabulous in the roll of seat belt police officer.  Yuli hates her car seat.  I have had to forcefully insert her into it more times than not.  Luckily, her petite little fingers aren't strong enough to actually open the latch but she's trying.  Cody is excellent at waffling between orders of 'No toca' (don't touch) and entertainment by teaching her to count in English.  She skips numbers when she counts in Spanish so we've given up on correcting that and are going straight for the English.  He likes to teach and help them.  Anyway he is very good at being silly and engaging the little ones to buy us some more time. 

Diana is adjusting well.  She like us.  She likes being here.  She still doesn't like being told what to do and I think at times she views things as being unfair.  I hate that she sees it that way and at times I am without the words in Spanish to explain it to her.  However, for the most part, she's a whole lot of fun.  She has an energy that just doesn't quit and it seems that all the kids enjoy playing with her at different times. She seems to be coping well to the transitions.  She did try to test Ken earlier this week to see if he would be consistent.  She actually seemed surprised when he was.  All in all, she is adjusting much easier than we expected.

Yuli is not.  She is still having a difficult time.  I dont' know what to do for the poor baby.  She goes from one extreme to the next.  She's either fighting mad and screaming, deliriously happy and giggling/squealing like a crazy person, or catatonic.  She is never anything in between and switches from one to the other like she has a light switch.  I'm praying that with time she will realize that we are it and she will be ok with that.  I hope that you all will continue to keep her in your prayers as she is really, really hurting.  Also, the mood swings are really, really exhausting for Ken and I.  We (Yuli included) have a moment of peace yesterday.  She found the storybook reader and thoroughly enjoyed listening to it read "The Lion King" to her.  It was in English.  I won't be at all surprised if she is the first one to fully embrace English.

John is also adjusting well.  He likes me now.  He likes me a lot.  It was easier when he liked Ken and Yuli liked me.  Now, frequently, I have one kid in each arm.  Luckily, they are only five lbs different so I'm not unbalanced (at least when it comes to my muscle strength, I can't say much for my mental state here).  He has settled into life here and is a typical two year old into everything.  He is mostly happy and is good to have around but we are currently in a power struggle.  He likes to throw food and dump drinks on the floor.  Now he has a sippy cup.  He doesn't like it.  I do.  When he throws it, I don't have to clean up milk.  I think he's smart so he will learn fast that if he wants a drink, he needs to get it from the sippy cup because he ain't getting it from anywhere else.

As a matter of interest, if you have been reading their names in your head, you probably have been pronouncing them incorrectly and when you are introduced, you will be surprised.  Well, ok.  John is John. Yuli is pronounced Julie.  We will probably have her name changed legally to Juli to save her the headache of explaining it as she gets older.  I actually really like her name pronouced as it's spelled.  I've heard her pronounce it that way several times.  I frequently ask her which she likes better.  When I ask, she tells me, 'Juli'... The other day after I asked her, she looked at me and asked, "Which do you like better-Mami or Mami?"   Diana is pronounced like Deaunna or go with the guys' name Dion and add an 'uh' at the end.We aren't quite sure how to explain that to Diana.  I've tried many times but my Spanish is lacking.  She's old enough to have the choice as to whether or not to change the spelling so that people will pronounce it correctly or keep the spelling and have to correct people that say it like, well Diana.  Anyway, that's all for today.  Tomorrow I have to figure out Thanksgiving.

Good, Bad, and Very, Very Ugly

I was so thankful this morning that John slept in until 8:00.  I changed his pants, brought him downstairs to get him started on breakfast, and enjoyed the quiet morning that I'm not used to.  All they other kids were still sleeping.  The peace didn't last long.  Yuli was in a bad way when she woke up and was sitting on the bed by 9:00.  It only got worse from there.  She would not listen to a word I said and was looking for a fight at every turn.  By the time lunch rolled around, I was... done.  There's no other way to describe it.  I was just done.  She pushed my buttons one more time and it was up the stairs we went.  Thankfully, I had already fixed John's lunch and he was sitting in the high chair eating.  Also thankfully, I had already sliced the bread for the sandwiches for the other kids.  I left John in Connor's very capable hands (he's awesome) and the big kids fixed their own sandwiches while I dealt with her.

I hate this.  I hate every moment that I fight with her.  I remember another adoptive friend telling me to remember that we are not fighting with our children, we are fighting satan for our children.  It's very hard to remember that when it's their little defiant faces curled into a scowl right in front of you.  I admit... by this point, I was angry.  Very.  Angry.  I couldn't even stand to be in the room with her.  In the back of my mind, I know I can't leave her although that's very much what I wanted to do.  When she finally conceded to sit on her bed without restraint, I walk out into the hallway (where she can still see me) because I need that space.  I can deal with it if I can be in a separate 'room' than her.  I drop to my knees and pray because it's the only thing I can do right now.  This sucks.  It sucks that my baby girl is so messed up that she can bring out the worst in me.  It sucks that I allow it to happen.  It sucks that I love her so much but at times I can't even be in the same room.  I find myself praying the same thing over and over.  "God, you gave me this job, give me what I need to get it done."  By the time her 10 minutes were up (she starts with much less time but when she fights with me, time gets added), I had not an ounce of anger left, thank you God.  It was all sorrow.  I hate what's happened to her.  She's four years old.  She shouldn't have to deal with this.  She shouldn't feel this way.

I went and sat on her bed, every bit as sad as she was in that moment.  I told her that I love her.  She says, "No."  I told her that I love her.  I told her that I am her mommy.  I am your mommy forever.  Papi is your Papi forever.  We love you.   This is your family.  You have four brothers and one sister.  They all love you.  This is your house.  This is your room.  This is your bed.  I'm sad that you don't like it.  I'm sad that you don't like us.  I know that this isn't what you wanted but that doesn't change what it is.  This is your family.  This is your house.  I am your mommy.  For.Ever.  I don't like fighting with you. I like to cuddle and hug and play with you.  It's difficult to do those things when you're fighting with me.  It's ok to not like us but that if you will listen to me that things will go much better for you. 

Things were just as bad a few more times.  While John was sleeping she and Diana went outside to play.  When she came back in, she was ok.  This evening when we went to church, she allowed me to put her into her car seat and didn't fight me.  This is a HUGE step.  After I buckled up I thanked her for not fighting me.  I asked if she likes it better when we don't fight and she said yes.  When we got to church and I went to unbuckle her (she cannot do it herself, thank you again, God), she told me, "I didn't touch [the seatbelt], I didn't shout, I didn't fight."  I said, "Yes, I know.  Thank you.  This is much better."  The same thing happened when we left church.  When we got home, she was asleep.  I don't know, but I'm hopeful that maybe, just maybe, we may have turned a corner.

I did have two very good things with Diana today.  When I got on FB to post about bike helmets there was a KidSave post up.  Diana is always asking about the pictures on my computer and this was no different.  I told her about the KidSave program and hosting and kids from Colombia looking for their families.  She seemed really interested.  We talked about it for a while and then I told her that when she and Yuli are older, I'd like to have some of them come and stay with us and we can help them look for their new families.  She choked.  She looked horrified and asked, "Me?"  Oh no!  "No! No!  You are mine.  You are mine forever.  Other kids!  Other kids that need mami's and papi's."  She understood but in that instant I saw a very clear image of just how much she likes us and how much I messed up not making it clear that it was other kids that are looking for families.

Since Yuli was asleep when we got home I was able to climb into bed with Diana... it's the top bunk, I hope it holds.  We laid and the dark and talked for several minutes.  I told her how much I love her.  I told her that I'm very happy she's my daughter.  She said, "Yuli."  I said that I love Yuli and I'm happy Yuli is my daughter but that I'm very happy that she is my daughter.  She said, "No."  I said yes and she let it drop.  I have read about it, I know it happens.  But it still breaks my heart that it will take so long and take a million 'I love you's before she actually believes it.  I'm going to try and get that million in as fast as I can.

There's No Place Like Home

Well, if you couldn't tell by the silence on the blog.  We are home now.  When we were in Colombia in a hotel room, once we got the kids to bed, there was nothing we could do for fear of waking them.  Here, there's a lot to be done and I can only get it done while the kids are in bed.  Since I need to sleep as well, the blog has suffered.  I have been informed that my friends are going through withdrawal.  So here's your post.

Things are hard, but good.  I forgot what it was like to have a two year old.  He loves closing everything and pushing buttons.  He's sharp as a tack and has already learned how to turn off the lock out feature on the ice/water dispensers on the fridge.  Diana loves it here and is so very happy.  She loves her room, she loves having the top bunk, she loves the hand me down bike (thank you Marsha), and she loves, loves, loves playing with her brothers.  It makes me really happy to see how very happy she is.  She has had some moments where she acts like your typical 7 year old who didn't get her way but definitely not like those first few weeks.  Speaking of the first few weeks... back then I thought Yuli was going to be the fastest to adjust.  I was wrong.  In hindsight, I realize she wasn't cuddling with me, she was retreating inside herself, going almost catatonic... she just happened to be on my lap.  She's started that again but instead of me, she's on my mom's lap.  Now that I can see it on someone else, I wonder how I could have missed it before. 

She needs prayers.  She is not healing well.  I realize that this is just another transition for her.  I realize I need to give her more time.  I'm worried about her.  Please pray for her.  Please pray for me.  She's really testing us.  Ken went back to work today and so it's mostly testing me.  I start every day with a prayer.  I pray for all the kids' healing.  I pray for the strength and wisdom to be what they need.  Only by the grace of God (cause it ain't me), I am able to stay calm while she's doing what she's doing.. almost all day.  Almost.  At the end of the day when it's time to put the girls to bed, the absolute last thing I want to do is lay down with her.  I know, it sounds awful.  I feel awful when I say it.  I'm trying to be real here.  By the time it's time for her to go to sleep, I've already been done with her for about an hour and all I want to do is leave.  But I can't.  She's afraid of closed doors.  She's afraid of the dark.  She's afraid of cats.  She's afraid of being alone.  So, I lay down with her in her bed.  She needs to know that no matter what she does, how she behaves, how bad the day was--Mom is here, Mom loves her, Mom will never leave you alone when you need her.  She needs to know that.  It's hard.  At a time when I'm crawling out of my skin to get a break from her, I lay down.  My brain leaves my body and I just pray.  I pray for her healing, I pray for the strength and the wisdom to do another day, to give her what she needs, to help her realize that I won't give up on her-ever.  How much this all reminds me of my adopted relationship.  My Father in heaven, who adopted me, isn't always happy with the choices I make.  Sometimes I'm the one that needs to sit on my bed and think about what I've done.  He is always with me.  He loves me, no matter what I've done.  He has never left me when I needed Him.  He has never given up on me.  I understand now how frustrated and sad he must be over me sometimes.

We ventured into the WalMart today while Rylan was at gymnastics.  We needed several things in we just had to go.  You could say it was over stimulation, but it wasn't.  It was just her doing what she does and not liking the consequences.  She ended up throwing a full blown fit.  I was calm.  I was collected, I was firm.  I kept repeating, "When you are ready to listen to me, tell me and I'll let go."  She answers with a well placed kick or a ear piercing shriek.  When we were waiting to pay, an older gentleman from the next register over was watching.  He kind of smiled a little and leaned over to his wife and said, "She's really not happy."  He noticed that I was speaking Spanish to her and English to the other two and we started talking (loudly to be heard over the screaming).  I explained that we had just gotten home from adopting them and she was having a really difficult time with it.  He smiled and said he was very impressed with how I was handling it.  He said that most moms would be beating their kids senseless by now.  I smiled back and said, "There have been many times that I have been really grateful that the agency made us sign a paper saying we wouldn't spank the kids."  Then I got serious and said, "It's only by the grace of God that I have patience."  It's true.  My knee jerk reaction has always been to fight fire with fire.  I was always ready for a fight and met people head on.  Calm isn't me.  I truly believe that this is a peace that comes only from God.  He has given me what I need for this job he gave me.  It's not easy.  But I know that it's a job that needs doing and He will be with me along the way.  No matter how much I love her and how much my heart aches for her, He loves her more and He aches for her more.  Ken and I can do this, because we are not alone.

On a side note- I was really proud of Connor, Cody and Diana for stepping up in the WalMart.  They helped with the cart, with John, loaded everything onto the belt and then back into the cart.  I'm really proud of them.  It was really great.

We're Down To Hours

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

We were successful today in all our adventures.  We are leaving tomorrow to go home.  As such, the kids (the new ones) are subconsciously reacting to the impending transition.  Diana is so very excited to be going to the US but I think deep down she is very stressed.  Her behavior today was so much like that first week.  Yuli has finally agreed to get on the plane but she still doesn't want to go to the US or to her new house.  She as well had a difficult time making good choices today.  I think Helena (our interpreter here in Bogotá) was quite astonished by her behavior today.  Me, not so much.  She's having a difficult time.  Helena asked me if she was going to need counseling.  I said that I didn't know but that I wanted to give her time to adjust at home before we make that decision.  I think she'll be ok but we'll do whatever is necessary to help her cope with what she's been through.  John is so comfortable with us now, he'll be fine.

As for Connor, Rylan, and Cody... they are so very happy to be going home.  I think that bringing them here was hands down the absolute right choice.  They have handled all the ups and downs like champions.  I am so very proud of them.  I was tickled to see Connor grinning from ear to ear tonight nonstop.  He's ready.  So am I.  Papa John's for dinner... I can't wait for some real pizza!

One More Dawn, One More Day

One Day More!!!!!

Are you singing in your head?  I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

We have three things that need to happen tomorrow.  We need to get the paperwork from the Doctor's office saying that everything is ok and has been taken care of.  All three passed the TB test with flying colors.  It just about killed me to have to give them the chicken pox vaccine.  I didn't want any of my kids to have that one but I didn't really have a choice.  I'd like to come back to the US.  Yuli also needed a second vaccine.  That did not go well.  It took me and two nurses to hold her still while she got them.  It really kind of stinks.  She thinks I've betrayed her.

After we get the report from the doctor, we need to get the conformity paper from ICBF.  I'm not sure what that is but I know we need it.  We have to be at the US Consulate at 1:30 to attempt to get the visas.  From the sounds of it, the Consulate works very hard to get them done very quickly but sometimes the computer network (Colombian) that they have to be on to get it done doesn't work.  So, there it is.  It all comes down to whether or not the network is up and running tomorrow afternoon.  If it is, we come home Saturday.  If not, we have to wait till Monday to get the visas and fly home on Tuesday. 

However, we ventured out to MultiParque today.  Now the kids are hollering to wait until next week to go home because they want to go back it was so awesome.  It's kind of like a citified version of Cox farms.  They have some really awesome stuff there.  The park section has all this equipment that you work yourself, none of it goes on electricity.  It was a whole lot of fun even though we didn't have much time there.  They also have bumper boats and three different go kart courses, paintball, trampolines, mini-golf, and some amusement park rides.  I highly recommend it if you find yourself in Bogotá and need something to do with the kids.  The park is the only part that's open during the week (and the lunch counter) but the rest is open on the weekends. 

Anyway, tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store! One more dawn, one more day, one day more!  I'm really sorry... it's stuck in my head.  Now it's stuck in yours.  Whilst you sing, enjoy some pictures.  Many thanks to my fabulous husband who took the camera for the day so I could play and actually be in some of the pictures.

This is a zip line kind of equipment.  All the kids loved it!

Digging in the sand.

 

This rocket ship spins like a merry-go-round.

 

Isn't he cute?

 

They had these swings with really long ropes.  Some were seats that you buckled into and some had cages like this one.  They were really fun.  The frame that held them was taller than most of the trees.

 

And slides, you just can't go wrong with slides.  And, by the way, John has decided that he likes me better now.